Unknow Secrets and Hidden Lies
by SMS13
Summary: Abby returns to County 10 years after leaving.
1. Welcome Home

Author's notes: I don't know where this one is coming from. i'm really bored and I have nothing much to do. Hope you like it. I'm gonna try to update ASAP. And at the end, can you please click that little button that says review and leave me a note. I don't know where this story is going for now, and I was hoping you guys could give me some input... Thanks!!!   
  
She entered the building, the memories flooding back to her. It had been almost 10 years since she left through the same exact doors. Just like he had said, change was good. And she had needed a big one. She was hoping no one still worked there that would recognize her, although she barely looked like the same person. Her hair had gone back to its original dark auburn color, it was cut short, but she managed to pull it back in a loose ponytail from time to time. Her olive color skin lost its glow, and she looked just plainly pale. The bags under her eyes only accented how tired she was. She reached the front desk without fighting through a huge crowd. It was a slow day, hopefully tha would be a good sign. She scanned the admit desk and the surrounding area, no one that she remembered, unless they had all changed. She met gazes with a blonde woman, sitting behind the desk, working on charts.   
  
"Dr. Wyzenski?"  
  
She still had a hard time being called Wyzenski, much less Doctor. She nodded her head. The blonde approached her warmly, smiling a set of perfect teeth her way.   
  
"Hi. I'm Michele Andrews. We spoke on the phone."   
  
Why had she pictured someone uglier with a personality to make up for that?   
  
"Nice to finally meet you."  
  
It was. Who hired a Chief Resident in the middle of the year?   
  
"I'm so sorry we had to get you in here today. It was our Attending and no one else."  
  
Today seemed slow to her.   
  
"No problem. We were just unpacking."  
  
She hoped Erik hadn't destroyed anything yet.  
  
" How's the condo?"  
  
  
  
Lakefront Condo with four bedrooms for under 700 dollars a month. Perfect. Unbelieveable.   
  
"It's great. I cannot thank you enough."   
  
She nodded her head, no problem.   
  
"How else would I have gotten you in here.. We don't exactly have the highest employee satisfaction rate. I envy you for coming back."   
  
Why did she come back. Oh yeah, money. She had mouths to feed. And this was the only decent opening she could find.   
  
"Okay well let me introduce you to the Attending, and I need to head off to a conference with the Chief of Staff."  
  
She led her through the many passage ways and doorways, pointing out new rooms, or storage closets. They had built a new lounge, much spacier than before. The place looked in decline, but in elegant decline. It was the only public hospital in the area, and they weren't planning to shut it down. They couldn't, really. Too many people depended on it to survive.   
  
They reached what she remembered to be the ped's ER. Sure enough she heard Michele's remark about the Pediatric Ward of the ER, housing equipment and supplies especially needed for children. She wanted to tell her to shut up and leave already, she knew her way around pretty well, but she choose not to. She entered the room after Michele, hearing the doors swing shut behind her. The room had been expanded and repainted, but it still held a childlike atmosphere with the animals and toys strewn all over the floor. She saw another woman sititng behind the desk, light brown hair, strewn with blonde highlights. She seemed intent on either memorizing a chart, or trying to catch a nap.   
  
"Dr. Lewis?"  
  
Michele's voice was soft and soothing, as if she wasn't sure how to approach her. She moved her head, she must have been studying the chart then.   
  
"I'd like to introduce you to our new Chief Resident. Dr. Susan Lewis, this is Dr. Abigail Wyzenski. Now if you could show her the ropes, I need to head off to see John before he chops my head off... Remember Abby, if you live through the first day, you'll be fine.."  
  
She heard her voice exit the room. She felt the air grow thick. She could feel Susan's gaze upon her. It was almost burning into her, trying to tear through her and disintegrate her.   
  
"Abby?"   
  
She nodded her head. After what seemed like a few millenia, a small smile broke upon her lips.  
  
"Welcome home!"  
  
Before she knew what was happening, Susan grabbed her in a tight hug.  
  
"You look different."  
  
She laughed.  
  
"So do you."   
  
She also noticed the small lump forming under Susan's shirt.   
  
"Chuck?"  
  
  
  
She heard her laugh.  
  
"Our third."  
  
Wow. She's been busy.  
  
"Congratulations."  
  
She smiled again.   
  
"Thanks."   
  
So alot of things had changed. She hadn't been sure how Susan would react, but obviously everything seemed okay. It was nice to see someone familiar again.   
  
"So where were you before?"  
  
She hated going back to the past.   
  
"I finished med school up at Northwestern, then I got a residency at Boston, so that's where I stayed. They closed down the hospital I was working at, and this was the only place that would take me..."  
  
She saw Susan nodding her head intently.   
  
"Okay, well I need to finish these charts. We'll get together later for coffee or something? Find me after your shift, mine ends the same time yours does."  
  
She nodded her head in reply.  
  
"That would be great."  
  
Susan sat down back at her work.  
  
"You know where to find me if you need me." 


	2. The Encounter

Author's Notes: Okay I gotta do this because I really think that people are starting to hate me... Mandi, Kate, Carbyluv, and Kattybaby2318 you guys are great. Thank you so much for the reviews. Always and forever!! Don't think that your underapreciated just because I don't mention you. But thank you!!! I love those short, sweet reviews. They make my day. And me smile. Thank you!!!  
  
So this chapter slowly introduces the characters. I'm trying to easy into the plot because I have some ideas and want to take it slow for a bit. But I promise to update often so it should all equal out!! Thanks in advance for the reviews.   
  
~*~  
  
She signed off her last chart and threw it into the discharge pile. Things could have been worse. Much worse. She quickly raced off to the lounge before anyone could stick a belly pain or a headache that won't go away her way. The nurses were really nice, and much more cooperative then some of the ones they had before. They didn't complain about hours or pay. She hadn't had time to get to know alot of them, but the one she was working with seemed great. Her name was Alexandra, she was straight out of school, but knew what she was doing. The day had just flown by. She threw her stuff into her old locker, she had gotten the same one she had before. She grabbed her coat and headed to the admit desk to punch out and head home, hopefully to a partially unpacked apartment. Crap. She had just remembered. Susan. But she was no where in sight, and hopefully she would understand. It was her first day back. She was exhausted.   
  
"Dr. Wyzenski!"   
  
Why did people insist on calling her that. Oh yeah. She was a doctor. And she had gone back to her maiden name. She spun around.   
  
"What? I'm off!"  
  
One of the med students ran towards her.   
  
"I need your signature on this discharge."   
  
Well at least I'm not getting dragged back in. The more time I spend here the better. Yeah. Right. She quickly scribbled her signature down after glancing at the chart to make sure everything was in order.   
  
"Dr. Wyzenski..."   
  
She knew that voice. She spun back around.   
  
"Erik! What are you doing here? I thought you guys were supposed to be back at home setting up?"  
  
Why are they here? The last thing she needed is a family meeting in the middle of the ER.   
  
" We decided to go out for dinner. My treat. Plus John and Annette were dying of hunger. Your fridge is empty..."  
  
Food. Great idea. That's what she needed to remember to do. Eat. Althought she had gone through a long period of barely eating earlier when the twins were born. Yeah. Twins, how Doug and Carol someone had once told her. She didn't exaclty know what that had meant, but she knew it had to do with Carol Hathaway, the head nurse before her. She had just finished her last rotation when she went into labor. Not even a week later. She couldn't work yet, she was too weak. She had an intern year before her, so she pulled triple shifts while Erik watched the twins. She had probably more stress over that then anything but he was a great uncle. Especially on his meds. Money was so tight sometimes, she barely ate. But now everything somehow began to pull itself together. The kids were great. Both were so smart and understanding. She didn't know how she would have gone on without them. Every once and a while the thought fills her head of how she almost lost them. She hadn't planned on getting pregnant. She was so scared about them turning out like Maggie. About raising them alone. About being a bad mother. And she had made the appointment, she was going to terminate. But she didn't after she found out there were twins. One life on her hands was enough. One life she wished she could have saved. She pulled her coat on and headed out after Erik. Annette and John were sitting on the bench outside the ER.  
  
"Mom!!'"   
  
John called out to her and ran and gave her a hug.   
  
"Hey sweetie. So I'm hoping your room is all set up?"  
  
She watched her son nod his head intently. He looked so much like him, it haunted her every day she looked at him.  
  
"What about you Nette?"  
  
Her daugther came over and kissed her on the cheek, stepping on her tippy toes to reach her.   
  
"Yeah. We are about ready to ship Uncle Erik back to Minnesota."   
  
She laughed. Good old Nette. She got both her determination and stubborness.  
  
"Yeah well we can't let him leave us yet. He's buying dinner remember?"   
  
She felt Erik hit her and Nette in the head with his hat.  
  
"So were do we wanna go?"  
  
Anything and everything was up for grabs tonight.   
  
"Pizza?"  
  
She saw the three nods of approval. About 6 slices would be enough for her till tomorrow morning. Food. That's the only thing she could think of right now. Food.   
  
"Should we head off?"   
  
She saw her son stick out his hand to escort her to the El. He had defintely acquired some of his father's charm. She saw Erik do the same to Nette and she accepted, along with a "Silly Uncle Erik..."   
  
As the four of them were walking, she looked ahead of her to see the one thing she had dreaded for the day.   
  
"Hey Doc..."  
  
She still couldn't get used to being called that. It was so weird.   
  
"Hey Susan. Where were you?"  
  
Probably getting food, like she should be doing right now.  
  
"Dinner. I have to pull a double. Someone called in sick. And when I find out who, they will die."  
  
She laughed. Double shifts are the worst. Thank god she wasn't on call for at least a week and a half. She looked ahead and noticed Erik and Annette were out of sight. She also felt her son was growing a bit uncomfortable.   
  
"And who would your date for tonight be?"  
  
She smiled. Susan had not managed not to mention who it was. Secretly she was hoping she wouldn't have to explain. But we are talking about Susan. The nosiest person in the known universe. At least she wasn't a gossip. Nosey but not a gossip. Was that possible? Probably not but she still trusted Susan.   
  
She kissed her son on the head.  
  
"This is my son, John."  
  
She looked like she was going to have a heart attack. She was worried she should go running back to the ER for a crash cart and a gurney. And especially since Susan was pregnant. She didn't need the added stress. Working in the ER was torture enough, who knows how much fun her and Chuck have as well..   
  
"Susan? Are you okay?  
  
She watched the woman shake her head yes.   
  
"Is he, uhhh...?"  
  
She gave her the deadliest gaze in the world. She really didn't talk about their father to the twins. They had asked, she had answered. Simple statements. Nothing major. Just that he was a good guy, but it didn't work out between them. That she loved them enough for the both of them, and they were doing okay. And they had done okay. And they were going to do okay. John and Nette were great kids. They understood these types of things. They didn't hold a grudge against her, nor their not to be named father. Nor did they show any signs of rebellion for not having one. Life could be much worse, and they knew that. They knew what she had gone through with Maggie, and a little bit of what she had gone through with Erik.   
  
"Yeah. He's almost 9 and a half years old. They grow up way too fast don't they?"  
  
She smiled at Susan, hoping to know her out of her bewilderment.   
  
"And Susan. Don't jump to conclusions."   
  
She felt her son pulling on her arm.  
  
"Sorry, Susan, we should get going. Dinner awaits. I'll see you tomorrow. Have a boring shift."  
  
She heard a laugh.   
  
"Yeah see ya tomorrow Abs."  
  
She turned around with her son in tow.   
  
"Mom, who was that and why did you tell her to have a boring shift?"  
  
Phew. She thought that was going to be a different question entirely.  
  
"That is one of my old friends who used to work with me a long time ago. And a boring shift in the ER is always something good."  
  
She heard her son laugh.  
  
"You're silly, mom."  
  
She pulled him tight and kissed him.  
  
"And you are probably starving. Let's get to the restaurant before Nette and Erik eat everything." 


	3. Amazing Traumas

Author's Notes: Okay Chapter three is up and running :-) I feel so special because everyone's rewiewing and that just motivates me to update!! I'm just so happy. Those few words make my day so great! Thank you to everyone who updated. I'll put everyone individually, but not today. Tomorrow I promise. I have so much work to do, but I thought I would update because I love you guys!! Thanks for the reviews. I'm sorry this is dragging out for a bit. I'm trying to set up the plot a bit better. But if you don't like this one, then I promse the next chapter will get better. The reviews are great. If you ever want anything or you want to give me advice or whatever drop me a line: ellaspyrka@yahoo.com Okay enough babbling, on to the story!!  
  
~*~  
  
She reached the white doors just as the sun was going up. She had really wanted to be there to drop the twins off at their first day of school, but her shift started at seven. They were supposed to come to the ER after school, and she would find out how everything went. She needed to find a friend, or a babysitter, or something. She hated saying babysitter or nanny, since they weren't little babies anymore. They just couldn't be alone yet. Maybe a few more years. But they were just too young still. Erik had gotten on the last flight out yesterday, after staying a week more than he had expected. He was going back to Minnesota, a job was waiting for him there. And he could keep an eye on Maggie. At least she knew he would be okay. She dropped her stuff off at her locker, and headed to the front desk with her morning cup of coffee. Her shift didn't start for another 7 minutes, and she wanted to catch up on the lastest news. She saw Michele in a solidary little corner of the desk and headed over.   
  
"Morning Michele, I just wanted to say thank you for letting the kids come by after school..."  
  
She really was thankful. She would have to figure out something soon, but there was no rush.  
  
"No problem. They seem like great kids. Like I said before, take your time figuring out what to do, its not always easy..."  
  
It definately was not, she thought to herself.  
  
"Thanks. So who's on today?"  
  
She saw the woman smile.   
  
"You. And defintely not me."  
  
She laughed, the night shift was always the worst.   
  
"Anyone else?"  
  
She had gotten to know the staff pretty well, even though she couldn't always put a name to a face. She had only seen a few familliar faces, but they hadn't recognized her, so she didn't bother to say anything. Sometimes a fresh start was what everyone needed right?  
  
"Hmm... Susan's on call, but she said if anyone calls her, it will be the last call they ever make..."  
  
The two women shared a genuine laugh. Yeah. Normal Susan had been bad. Susan on excessive horomone overload and two children at home was about ten times worse. She reminded herself to thank Chuck for that one. Knocking her up and driving her crazy. Yet they were so cute together. From what she had heard, he was a great father to her two kids, and they were in love. She wished she had kept in touch with Susan while she had been in Boston, but she was scared she might find out, or something might slip. She wanted to get away from her past, not have it follow her everywhere she went.   
  
"Umm, oh aren't you the lucky one.... Our Chief of Staff is on tonight. Along with our favorite Attending.."  
  
She gave her the questioning look, but all she saw was Michele's smile getting bigger and bigger.  
  
"Michele?"  
  
She kept on smiling.  
  
"You know, you'd make a great couple with one of them. He's single, handsome, sweet..."  
  
She began to shake her head.  
  
"No. No. No. I have enough on my plate. I'm happy. No thanks. So who are they, and why weren't they here before?"  
  
Great. More faces to put names to. More questions to answer, more trust to win. Chief of Staff and Attending. Great. She had hit the motherload.   
  
"They were at a medical conference in Egypt, something to do with funding for Doctors Without Borders."  
  
Doctors Without Borders was still around? She had heard it was shut down for a while in that part of the country due to health and safety concerns.   
  
"They should be here shortly. If they come before my shift ends, I'll introduce you. If not, you're on your own."  
  
She gave her the questioning look again.  
  
"Go. See patients. I'll find you. Your shift started almost 8 minutes ago."  
  
She was tempted to throw the metal chart at her, but that wouldn't be a good idea since it was her boss after all. And she needed the next Attending position that became available.  
  
She grabbed a few charts and obliged to Michele's orders, but she didn't get far. At the end of the hallway, she herd one of the nurse's scream about a Trauma coming in. Multiple victims, DUI. She felt her natural high coming on. Even when she was working as a nurse, there was something exhilirating about a Trauam. It was ten times better now that she was the one running it. She grasped a steady pace as she headed for the door.  
  
"How many?"  
  
She heard Michele's scream of 5, maybe 6.   
  
She grabbed the first ambulance that came in, it was usually the most critical. She didn't hesitate for a moment, putting in IV's, pushing fluids, ordering tests. She never noticed how she had gotten into the Trauma Room but she was there. Machinery beeped, nurses called out questions, blood poured. A moment like no other. She was in total control. After what seemed like a few seconds to her, the patient was stable enough to go up to surgery. She had nicked her liver, and maybe had some internal bleeding, but an exploratory laparotomy would probably be all she would need. It could have been quite worse. She signed off on the chart as the bed was wheeled off through the swinging doors.   
  
"Nice job."  
  
She looked up and saw a smiling Michele looking back at her.  
  
"You were great."  
  
She loved praise. It felt great. Definite self-esteem booster.  
  
"Thanks. All in a day's work."  
  
She loved what she did, although sometimes she wished she could spend more time with some patients, like she did as a nurse, but being a doctor was more rewarding. You get all the credit in the good times, and you get all the blame in the bad. But she wouldn't trade it in for anything.   
  
"Yeah. You were amazing."  
  
She heard the distinct male voice boom through the doors, although she wasn't exactly sure what her mind was telling her to think. She couldn't look up just yet, the initial shock going through her body, and registering itself in her head.   
  
"Dr. Abigail Wyczenski, this is Dr. Luka Kovac, our other Attending."  
  
She shut her eyes, she knew she was going to do her initial eye roll. Well hello, dear, I dated the guy. I slept with him. You would think I'd know his name.   
  
"Doctor?"  
  
She managed to look at him. He hadn't changed alot since the last time she had seen him. He was still tall, although that trait can't exactly change. Extremely tall. His face showed signs of age, but not painful age. Light and happy. He had gotten that spark back in his eyes. His hair began to show the first few signs of grey strewn along the front, but he looked exactly the way she remembered him. And he looked her, the one eyebrow raised in question, but she saw the delicate smile she loved playing against his lips.  
  
"What did you expect? Professor? President? Queen?"  
  
They both laughed. She saw Michele was growing uncomfortable for she probably realized that they knew each other already. She saw the woman heading towards the door, a smile also forming on her lips. Oh no you don't. She would have to sit that woman down and have a nice, long chat with her about how Luka and her were just friends. She turned her attention back to Luka for the moment.   
  
"You look fantastic."   
  
Why did guys always come out with the stupidest remarks when they were in an akward moment? Althought Luka was sweet, he wasn't an exception to the rule.   
  
"Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself."  
  
She saw him smile again. She knew he was a bit self conscious about the grey hair since that's the first thing he did was go and run his hand through his hair. Typical male behavior. She wished someone would analyze them and start a miniseries on their behaviors. It would be a hit. It was also very cute. She was growing uncomfortable in the silence.   
  
"How's your wife?"   
  
Shot into the dark. She didn't know if he had gotten married or not. Whether he had kids or not. Anything about him except for the fact that he was looking at her and the spark between them was rekindled. The friendship kind.   
  
"She's great. Wonderful... I love her..."  
  
She saw the spark in his eyes when he spoke of her. She felt a bit of sorrow that she hadn't been there to see it all happen. She loved Luka as a friend, and he deserved anything good that came his way. He finally looked at peace with himself. Happy.  
  
"That's wonderful."  
  
She watched him nodd his head. She felt him keep looking at her, as if she would disappear if he looked away. She was in shock that he still worked here, and he, well, was probably more shocked to see her in the trauma room than anything else.  
  
"You should come over for dinner... You could meet Andzej, Alex, and Dijana."  
  
She knew he was talking about his kids. How old were they? Would they be about the same age as Nette and John? She highly doubted it since when Luka fell, he fell long and hard. He was a great guy. She never regretted anything that happened between them.   
  
"That would be nice. And your wife? You never mentioned who it was..."  
  
He hid a small laugh. She thought it amuzing.  
  
"The one person I never saw myself with. But somehow it just happened. And it was perfect. Like a fairy tale, you know? It was so weird. She showed up right when I needed her and she never left... You remember Gordana don't you?"  
  
She nodded her head. She remembered the woman who had come into the ER. Short, curly dark blonde hair. She seemed very upbeat and friendly. She had been one of Luka's best friends, hadn't she? She put a bit of Luka's character into perspective for her. She liked her from the beginning. Gordana was the type of person she saw him with since the beginning.   
  
"I'd better be getting back to work. It's only my second week, and I really don't want Michele getting a bad impression."   
  
He looked at her understandingly. She shifted towards the door, and he shifted towards her. They walked into a short embrace, and he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.   
  
"I'm glad you came back."  
  
Those words had never been spoken more sincerely to her.  
  
"So am I. So am I."  
  
She walked out the door, maybe she still had a few old friends, and a few new ones. This wasn't turning out to be as bad as she had initially thought. But how would she explain Nette and John to Luka. Maybe she wouldn't have to. Luka probably somehow would come to the conclusion. He could read minds sometimes. A nice surprize to start out the day, no doubt. But she really didn't need any more suprizes... 


	4. Facing Reality

Author's notes: I love you guys!!!! I just got home after like a horrid day and i had like 10 reviews in my mailbox. I felt so special and it made everything better... Okay so thanks to Kattybaby2318, carbyluv, kate, mandi, IdontwriteIjustread, hyperpiper 91, Catie, JCojeg, and AJ. Thanks so much for reviewing!!! You guys are awesome. I only continue this fic for you!!! :-) I'm planning to make this the beginning of the beginning. Whatever sense that may make. I'm listening to Bryan Adams, "Right Here Waiting for You" and Celione Dion, "Touch Me Like This". It might be reflected upon in the story. Also I wanted to ask if you guys were okay with the setting, specifically time since I know I skipped around alot. It was like a day later then a week later. Tell me if that's okay or if you want that changed. And how I'm presenting Abby... I don't know. I usually write her as strong, but depressed, and I'm really going away from that. Tell me if it's good, you like or don't, and what I could do to maybe make it better.. Thanks so much!!! Oooh oh yeah, go read this story, it's by Kattybaby2318, it's called 9 Months Loosing Something. Great story. Just really great story. I just finished reading the latest update. I am completely addicted... Enough with me blabbering.. And on to the main presentation...   
  
~*~  
  
She glanced at her watch and at the doors again. They were fifteen minutes late. She knew she shouldn't have let them take the El to the hospital by themselves. Why did she give in to their constant nagging. She was tempted to grab that phone and dail Nette's cell, but she knew she was just being paranoid. They probably stopped for something to eat or joined a club at school or something. But on their first day? All the possible senarios ran through her head like a clock. No. She wouldn't do it. She wouldn't think about it. She silently thanked that unseen force for making her work right through her break so she had double the time now to worry. At least she wouldn't kill anyone. Not that she had that happen to her yet. Yes, she had patients die, but not because of something she did or didn't do. Her record was great. She wanted to keep it that way. She dug into her pocket. That was it. Twenty minutes late. Right when she had flipped the phone open did she hear the giggling of her two munchkins. She breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Your late."  
  
She saw her kids expressions grow serious.  
  
"Sorry Mom, the El was late. Then we needed to stop by the library..."  
  
She nodded her head, and kissed each on the forehead. At least they were safe. And honest. She pushed Nette's long brown hair behind her ear and turned both of them around and rounded them off towards the lounge.   
  
"Sorry guys, I got another 3 hours on me. Then we can go home. Start your homework since those bags don't look too light."  
  
She walked into the lounge with them, and settled them down with something to eat and drink, made sure they were okay on the homework front, and headed back to work. She knew they would stay in there and watch TV in a few minutes or something, but at least they would be quiet, and they were good kids in general. They wouldn't get in the way. They knew the drill. She had kept them in the ER back in Boston a few times, and they knew what happened beyond those doors. Things she rather didn't have them see just yet. She jumped back into work mode, and grabbed a few charts. The day was pretty slow and nothing much had come in except for the trauma earlier and her encounter with Luka. She had seen him walking around a few times, and he had signed off some orders for her, but they hadn't had another chance to chat. Every time she saw him she knew he was tempted to give her some nursing order. It was what he had been used to. But he slowly gained acceptance of her through the day.   
  
The last three hours of her shift disappeared in a flash. She had gone through about 9 patients in under three hours, and managed to get them admitted or sent home. That was the worst part sometimes. They were your patients until someone else took them off your hands or you sent them home. And some patients just never left... She signed the discharge orders and headed back to the rack to grab another easy one, a suture or something, to fill the last 20 minutes of her shift. Yet there was nothing there. She hadn't realized how slow it really had been today. One out of a millon days. She saw Luka heading towards her, and she gave him a quick smile.  
  
"It was slow today huh?"  
  
She saw the Croatian look at the rack and noticed there were no chart in there for patients to be seen and the board was all but empty. He looked like he was in shock. He probably was. She knew how bad it could get sometimes, and the light days never came. But take them as they come. And enjoy them.   
  
"If you want, you can head home... There's what? Like fifteen minutes of your shift left? Go home. Get some rest."  
  
Rest? From what? An exhilirating and wonderful day? She was up for a round of softball, some ice cream, a huge dinner, and a night out. And he was telling her to go home and get some rest. Men. She would never understand them. She wasn't tired. Far from it. But she knew Nette and John probably were, so she took the hint and quickly headed to the lounge to gather them, and her things up. They would head home, she would cook something for dinner, and they would finish off the rest of their homework. They would probably watch TV and she would dig out of them what she could about their new school.   
  
"Thanks Luka. See you tomorrow..."  
  
She saw the quick hand wave and muffled 'yeah'. She headed towards the lounge and saw the two of them collapsed on the sofa. Must have been a really long day. They usually weren't that tired. John was practically asleep on Nette. And Nette, being the big sister by 13 minutes, let him use her leg as a pillow. It was shocking how much they reminded her of herself and Erik. It was actually really weird sometimes because they didn't have those normal sibling rivalries. They got along, and if they did get mad at each other, it was for a really short while. And even then, they didn't argue. Just didn't talk, but the tension was still missing. She smiled at her daughter, and gave her the nodd. The nodd that they were going home. She saw her face light up a bit, and she gently woke John up.   
  
"Let's go home, guys."  
  
She gathered her stuff, and she helped John and Nette back their bags. She ended up searching for her pager, which she had mysteriously lost somewhere inbetween walking into the lounge a few minutes ago and now.   
  
"Mom..Let's go..."  
  
She remembered now where she put it. She had put it back into her locker. She spun the dial quickly and opened it. As she grabbed it off the top shelf, she heard the lounge door swing open. She assumed her kids had gotten a head start out the door, and took a second or two longer scanning what she needed to remember to bring the next day.   
  
"Dr. Wyczenski?"  
  
Okay. So that deffinetly wasn't Luka. Nor any of the med students. Or her son for that matter. She thought everyone already. And that voice sounded so familiar. Maybe a bit deeper and matured, but still vaguely familliar.   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Her voice had come out a bit more forceful and grouchy than she had intended, but she sort was trying to figure out what she was forgetting to do.   
  
"I'm the Chief of Staff, Dr. John Carter."   
  
She froze. She froze and no part of her body would move. Nothing could move her at that point in time. Seconds felt like minutes. She finally managed to get herself together briefly, somewhat stablizing the instant shock. He wasn't supposed to be here. Why was he here? The Chief of Staff wasnt' supposed to work shifts. He was supposed to sit in an office and come down once a year or something to pass out fruit cake. And he didn't realize it was her. He didn't know who it was. But then again, only Luka might remember her maiden name. But he had also heard it. Her mother had always been called by it by Malique and Randi, even Dave when he had still been around. Why now? Why did this just have to ruin her perfect day. She just also realized her kids were still in the room. The awkward silence that only she felt was getting to her.   
  
"Annette, John, would you guys go out to the bay. I'll be right there."   
  
She heard the shuffling of feet, but they didn't sense anything wrong. Neither did he for that matter. Only she knew what was about to happen. She had played the scene in her head so many times throughout the first few years of the twins life. Many times were she showed up and he completely ignored her. Rejected her, them. Well, it was now or never. She turned around.   
  
"What? They don't call you just Carter anymore?"  
  
She saw his expression change from a light, glad face to complete disbelief and hatred. She hadn't expected less. He looked at her strangely, from head to toe. Not sure what to say, what to do. The tension in the air was almost palapable. She was glad for the slight interruption from Annette.  
  
"Mom, are you coming?"  
  
She wanted to get out of there. She wanted to exit that room. That building and never come back. But she couldn't. And since she couldn't, she needed to get over whatever feelings might still be hanging around.   
  
"Yes. Give me a minute more. I promise, hun. I'll be right there."  
  
She watched her daughter exit the room and the door swing to a shut. She looked at him, and finally was able to make eye contact. They could have burned through each other if they wanted to. She was about to say something else, break the tension. But the tension could never really be broken completely. She heard his voice come out, in a slight whisper, sort of hoping she would not hear the question.   
  
"Mom?"  
  
No, idiot. Some random little girl just came in here and called her mom for no apparent reason.   
  
"Why so shocked? I don't seem like the motherly type to you?"  
  
Sarcasim and bitter hate. One of the two. Wasn't a good idea for the two to mix. She sounded rude and childish, but she had no control over her emotions anymore. Anything was fair game. He didn't reply. She wanted to get home. She turned around and walked past him towards the door. He still had that look of shock on his face. It was only the beginning. Wait till he found out the full truth. But she still wasn't sure if she was going to tell him or not. She walked out the door, and as soon as she had exit it, she heard her name being called, low and soft, but still there. She froze in her place for a second, as if giving him a chance to go after her if he really wanted to. But no anvil. She walked off towards the bay, she was going home with her kids. Her two beautiful kids who she loved more than life. 


	5. Realizations

Author's Notes: Okay first off, special thanks to Jennie, hyperpiper91, Catie, E, IDontWriteIJustRead, Kattybaby2318, Mandi, and anyone that reviewed but I didn't put down. I love you guys!!! I dont' know where this chapter is coming from, it's just a realization factor type chapter. I'm really tired so it's sort of short and sweet. And there is a conversation in here, but I didn't go into like complete detail with it, I just highlighted the main stuff. Okay just to clearify and answer questions. Carter didn't recognize Abby in the previous chapter because she had changed just a bit and he had only seen the back of her head, and short dark brown hair can definetley tell you alot right? And then the question of questions: is Carter the father? The answer: As much as I hate him for the jerk that he is for leaving Abby like that and that just terrible letter and all, yeah. I'm a Carby. I hope I didn't just completley disappoint anyone. Cause if I did, tell me and I'll start something especially for you... Okay I'm going now, really tired. Please keep up the reviews. they really motivate me to get these updates up. Thanks so much!!! Oh yeah, give me some ideas for the story also. Who do you think should find out first: Carter, Annette or John?  
  
~*~  
  
She walked out of John's room, shutting the door quietly behind her. It was only 9:30, and both were dead asleep. Must have been some day. It was day to remember for her. She stopped in her closet, opened a box she hadn't had time to unpack yet and took out a sweater. It was getting chilly, and the wind by the lake didn't help. She turned off the TV and headed out to the front balcony overlooking the lake. She pulled a pack of cigerretes out of her purse and took one out. She played with it in her hands. She hadn't smoked in years. Every time she would look at one, she would feel guilty, and throw the pack away. It was a habit she had acquired when she found out about the twins. She held the rolled up demon for a while, stuck it into her lips, ready to light. It was a comfort to feel it in its usual place. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't bring the lighter to the tip. She grabbed the thing out of her mouth. No she was stronger than that. She had made it so long without, she couldn't go back to her old habits now just because she was back home where everything had originally started. She dropped the thing off the 7th floor. Hopefully it wouldn't gain enough velocity to kill anyone. Although the prospect of hearing the news report would be funny. Death due to a falling pack of cigerrttes, up next... She laughed to herself. She leaned against the ledge, looking down at the people walking, scurring like little insects to their homes. After a few minutes, the cold began to settle into her bones, and she decided to go in. She would go flip through the bills and paperwork. Maybe even finish off the rest of her charts before she went to bed. She walked back into the warm room, closing and locking the door behind her. She walked towards the sofa and collapsed on it. Right when she had found a comfortable position on it, she heard a knocking at the door. Who in the world comes around at 10 pm? No one knew where she lived. Well, besides Michele, but she wouldn't tell anyone.   
  
She lazily got off the cushions and headed over to her door. She didn't have a peephole, so who knew who was on the other side. But the security on the bottom floor was really great. They had both doors monitored, along with a log in sheet and cameras on every floor. She felt safe. They would have probably given her a call if someone was coming up anyway. It was probably one of the neighbors popping in to say hi. She had met the neighbor across the hall, but she had no clue who lived next to her. The people across the hall were newly married. He was a lawyer and she was an architect. She was also expecting. They looked cute together, maybe a bit naive, but they were okay. People she would be able to get along with. They wouldn't bother her too much, and she would keep out of their way as well. They had said there was a man living next door, somewhat rich, and extremely attractive. He wasn't married, but had a little "thing" attached to him every weekend or so. Sounded quite promising to her. Hopefully it was him so she could see who all this talk was about and get over it. She unlached the top lock, and turned the knobb.  
  
"Susan?"  
  
She stood in somewhat complete relief.   
  
"Hey you!"  
  
She looked happy and outright wired.   
  
"What are you doing here? How did you get here? How the hell did you get to this floor?"  
  
She saw the woman laugh.  
  
"I told them I was your boss and needed to drop off some paperwork for tomorrow, which was partially true."  
  
Paperwork? What paperwork? No more work. Please. No more work.   
  
"How did you get my address?"  
  
She saw her roll her eyes.   
  
"Michele gave it to me. She was going to drop off the stuff herself, but I volunteered. Then she got pulled into a trauma, and she had no choice."  
  
She was handed a stack of papers and manilla envelopes.   
  
"Sorry we couldn't get this to you earlier, but its a study the ER is conducting and we're hoping it'll go okay since we really need the funding that will come in from it. Michele and I are in charge, but you are going to get alot of patients to evaluate using the standards. I'm sorry to throw this at you during your second week, but it's really important."  
  
She listened intently as Susan explained the rest of the foundation and paperwork. Okay so it wasn't that bad. It only requied a few extra minutes per patient. She could do it. And she was glad she would be able to help. The ER needed funding badly. And anything that would do so, is like heaven sent. She listened to Susan while setting up two cups for coffee. And slowly the conversation trailed from the medical world to the personals section.   
  
"So the twins are asleep?"  
  
She nodded her head in response. She couldn't find the spoons, something that had been driving her insane since Erik set up the kitchen and didn't tell her what went where. Aha, she thought to herself. Found them.  
  
"So... How? When?"  
  
God, Susan, she thought. Do not even ask the how question. You should know pretty well yourself, hun.   
  
"When I left."  
  
She set the two cups of scalding coffee down on the table and pulled up a chair and sat down, looking at the woman sitting across from her.  
  
"Do they know?"  
  
Know what? That she ran away from her problems? That she's a completely different person than the superwoman they think she is? That she loves them more than life itself?   
  
"They know their father isn' t a bad person, it just didn't work out between us. They understand that not everything is a fairy tale. But whether your asking if they know that John is their father? No. They don't. And they won't. Neither will he."   
  
She spoke with a stern tone, almost forceful, as if trying to imply ultimate death if any of them found out.   
  
"Abs, don't you think that they deserve to know?"  
  
No. She didn't. She could have told them back in Boston, and it wouldn't have made a difference because they wouldn't be able to see him or talk to him. They wouldn't know him. All they would know is a name and create some visual and horrid thoughts. She didn't want that. He wasn't a horrible person, and she didn't have any hatred towards him. She just knew it wouldn't work. She didn't want any false hopes, nor did she want to create tears later in life.   
  
"No. It wouldn't make a difference. I doubt they would even accept him... It's always been the three of us."  
  
The three of them had grown so close, they were inseperable. They didn't need anyone else because they would always get through the worst together. It would be hard for them to even look at John as a father since he's never been in their lives before. She didn't want to add the stress to them, to herself, or to him.   
  
"What about Carter? Don't you think he'll figure it out?"  
  
Well the fact that she named her son John might be a dead giveaway but maybe he wouldn't realize. It was a common name. She didn't exactly know why she chose that name, maybe because she had thought John looked so much like Carter, or just because she needed something to remind her of what she was before.   
  
"He might. But we aren't exactly on speaking terms yet."  
  
That meeting in the lounge probably drained them of any energy they had saved up to deal with each other.   
  
"Do you still love him?"  
  
She gave her the death gaze. She had long given up any feelings she had for the man. She had accepted that it would never work. That it was only her and her kids. She didn't need him.   
  
"No."  
  
The word came out fast. Almost too fast. Like a reflex. And it suddenly became really tense. She became relieved when Susan began to stand up.  
  
"I'd better be heading home. I need all the sleep I can get. I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
She escorted the woman out through the door, waving a quick bye and a smile as she headed out. She closed the door and leaned against it. She suddenly felt a bit lightheaded and just tired out. She had felt fine a few minutes ago. It was probably the change of scenery and pace, yet she also knew a bit was because she got the butterflies back in her stomach. No. She didn't love him. What kind of question was that? It was over. It had been over a long time before he left for Africa. Before the letter. Before she disappeared. She stopped thinking about him. Her life went on without him. So what that she was still alone? She didn't exactly need anyone, and the few dates she had been on had been okay. She had even managed to hold a pretty stable relationship back in Boston with a surgeon. He had been sweet and great with the kids, but she had to break it off because of the move. She didn't want to torture him with a relationship that would be hard to handle over the miles. But Carter had all but disappeared from her life after she left. The only thing that reminded her of him was John, but he was growing out of Carter's habits. He looked like him, but even that began to change a bit too. So maybe she would be able to pull this off. She didn't need him as a friend. She just hoped they would be able to be on civil terms when they had to work together.   
  
She pushed off the door, and headed towards the kitchen. She put the cups into the sink and turned off the light. She headed into her room to get read for bed. There she found Annette sleeping on her bed. When did she get there? Oh well. Maybe she was cold. Her room was much warmer. The thought that Nette had heard her conversation ran past her mind, but they had spoke pretty quietly so she probably didn't hear anything unless she was under the table or something. She changed into an oversized sweatshirt and some pj bottom and hopped into bed, turning off the light. She didnt' know what tomorrow would bring, but she knew that it would be the end with Susan. Nor with Carter. 


	6. Just Standing

Author's Notes: This is for Kattybaby2318 because she said I needed a bit more Carter and Abby interaction. Enjoy... I'm sorry it's short, but I think it's a really powerful chapter in this story so hopefully the context makes up for length. Please press that review button and leave me a little note. If there is something you would like to see happen or just anything please write. Thanks so much. And I really do read the reviews and actually base some of my ideas on them... Ummm if the review button isn't your thing, email me ellaspyrka@yahoo.com or you can IM on AIM at ChaosTheory137... That's it. I'm out. I talk too much...   
  
~*~  
  
It had been over a week since that late night conversation with Susan. She knew she was making the right decision. She knew that it would all be okay in the end. She walked into the ER, and it was extremely busy, especially for a Saturday morning. She practically had to drag Nette and John out of bed. She had to start at six instead of seven, and work an hour longer to cover for one of the residents. She was tired out as well, since she had double the paperwork, and triple the patient load that she had in Boston. The first 2 weeks had been slow, but now she was feeling the stress. She got to the lounge, the twins on her heels. She settled them down, and headed off to grab the first chart of the day.   
  
She worked like a dog for hour and hour. Patients began to blurr together, lab reports and knee laques and everything. She needed a break. She needed a break badly. She walked out of her latest patient's room, Mrs. Kotlisi, who burned herself while making tea. First and second degree burns to her arms and chest. But she would be okay. She had just cleaned and dressed the wounds, and wrote out a script for a medicated ointment. She headed to her next patient, Mr. Burrows, who came in complaining of shortness of breathe and dizziness. Well he would since he smoked like a chimney. Probably lung cancer. She just needed the x-rays to confirm it. She saw he had falled asleep, but his pulse ox was still low. She was a bit worried and hoped that the techs would hurry up with those labs. She increased the oxygen flow and was about to push some more morphine when Carter walked into the room. She had gotten used to him coming and going, and they even managed to work on a trauma together once or twice without any discomfort. But they still hadn't exactly talked. And they haven't exactly been able to look at each other without thoughts of killing each other.   
  
"Abby, can I see you for a second in the suture room?"  
  
She looked up at him, and nodded her head. He looked serious and a bit angry. What had she done to one of her patients. Probably nothing, he just didn't like the way she signed her charts or passed orders or something. Those minimal things that no one pays any attention to but could make only him mad. She finished pushing the drug, and threw the needle away. She signed off the chart, replaced it at the foot of the bed and headed toward the suture room.   
  
"Which patient are we talking about?"  
  
She had been talking to his back. He still hadn't turned around. And they were alone. He wasn't turning around. Okay so if that's easier for him, go for it. She didn't mind starring at his back. Better than his deadly gaze and scornful eyes. She couldn't really understand why he was so mad at her. It's not like she dumped him and fled. He's the one that said they were over. He's the one that wanted time. Well she gave him time. She needed time too. And they both got what they wanted.   
  
"Annette and John, their mine."  
  
She heard the statement. It wasn't a question. It was a statement. He knew. How did he find out. How in this bloody world did he find out? The only person that knew was Susan. Susan. She knew she shouldn't have trusted her. Maybe she could still pull it off. She just had to remain calm and nonchallant. One mistake. One word. And it was over.   
  
"No. Their not. Susan just assumed..."  
  
She didn't get a chance to finish.  
  
"Susan didn't assume anything!! Susan didn't say anything either!"  
  
Don't defend her. She's going to die one way or another. Just don't defend her. She shouldn't have trusted her. She couldn't stress that point enough to herself. She wasn't going to deal with this. She could always make up some excuse, some lie, some father. Anything. She cheated on him while he was gone? With who? Luka? God. No. She is defintely not bringing Luka into this. She decided just to take a deep breath and walk out. Just simply exit the room, no definite answers to his statement.   
  
"You're not."  
  
She turned around heading towards the door. She didn't get there in time. He grabbed her forcefully, much more forcefully than she thought he could be. He swung her around, jetting her towards the bed, blocking the door. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She was so scared he was going to hit her. She leaned against the gurney, trying to steady herself and her beating heart. How hadn't anyone heard that. She had almost been murdered by being thrown against a gurney and no one came in. She watched the floor. He came closer. She saw his brown dress shoes standing a few feet before her.   
  
"Abby..."  
  
His voice was quiet and low, slow and delicate. She knew he felt bad. She knew he was beating himself up mentally for what he just did.   
  
"I need to know. Please."  
  
She managed to look up at him. At his pleading face. Those chocolate brown eyes had tears in them, tears that would be able to burn through whatever had destoryed them in the first place. His face looked of regret or sadness. Hopelessness and despair. Everything she had felt for months, even years. It was time for him to suffer. Yet she couldn't let him. She couldn't let him suffer the way she did. Her mind screamed at her to say no. To deny everything. Yet her head nodded up and down slowly, hesitantly. She waited for his reaction.   
  
"At least I know where we stand."   
  
And he walked out. She watched him walk out. The tail of his coat barely making it through the small opening he had opened with the door. And she sat there on the gurney. So many things running through her head. So he knew. What was going to happen now. Her wrist hurt from where he had grabbed her and where she had hit the gurney. She saw the bruises forming upon her arms. Pain engulfed her. Not the physical pain, just the mental pain. Memories flooded her mind. She regretted ever coming back. She knew things could never go back to the way they had been, and she knew that coming back to County wasn't a good idea either. And now everything only kept on getting more complicated by the minute. 


	7. Mind Games

Author's Notes: Okay so I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday, so today is a double update. I'll do one chapter this afternoon, and one this evening. It'll all even out. Please don't hate me... Okay so here are my thank-you's: Jennie, Lisa, IDontWriteIJustRead, Carbytrekie02, Helen, Catie, Honeybear1, Abby, Hyperpiper91, Amanda, Kattybaby2318 (read her fic, it's soo good, 9 Month's Loosing Something, after your done with this to continue the Carby high, or low, or whatever, but it's a great story..) and last but certainly not least, CarbyLuv... Thank you guys so much for reviewing and well I got this review from Amanda, and I was doing something that I was hoping NOT to do, so that's why this chapter gets interesting at the end, so Amanda, thank you for your review.. I hope you realize the change, and that you like it, along with everyone else. Thanks again. And my Screen name: ChaosTheory137 is always available along with email : ellaspyrka@yahoo.com if anyone ever needs anything :-)  
  
~*~  
  
She walked out of the room, still completely in shock. How? Why? She didn't expect his reaction either. She expected him to scream, to yell, to slap, to curse, anything but the simple statement she had just heard from him. What was going to happen now? Did he expect her to tell Nette and John the truth? Did he want to forget it all? Where did they stand? How was she going to find out what he wanted if they couldn't hold a conversation. She walked past the desk, quickly mumbling something about a break and headed to the roof to think.   
  
The breeze hit her briskly, sending a chill down her spine. She wrapped her arms around her body, trying to keep warm, because in the midst of everything, a sweater or coat hadn't been her biggest concern. What was she supposed to do now?  
  
She looked out at the lakefront, the sun making the water glimmer. And soon enough it was like her question had been answered. She heard footsteps behind her. She didn't want to turn around in fear.   
  
"Let me see your arms."  
  
It was said forcefully, like he had been trying to avoid saying it. Like a little kid who is forced to apologize, make up, and play nice. She didn't move.   
  
"Abby, if I sprained your wrist, you shouldn't be working. You could endanger patients."  
  
He pleaded those words with her. She knew he didn't exactly care. He's probably just doing it out of obligation. She felt his hand on her shoulder, gently, as if checking if it was okay, like you step on ice to see if it's stable before you fall through. He applied a slight force and spun her around to face him, gently this time. She felt his eyes burning into her. But she didn't look up. She was so close to him she could almost hear his heart beating. They both breathed heavily, showing up in the cold air. She felt him pry her arms away from their secure position, running a bone alignment and muscle tension check to make sure he hadn't done what he probably intended to, to hurt her.   
  
"You're okay. Ice that wrist when you get home."  
  
She somewhat emphatically lunged her arm back towards her. Not giving the slightest recognition to the grimice that appeared on her face from the pain. She heard him sigh deeply and heard the door slam. She heard another set of footsteps coming her way.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
She knew Susan stood behind her, but she didn't know how much she knew, or how pissed she must be at her.  
  
"Why did you tell him?"  
  
She waited for a response. The one she got wasn't the one she expected.   
  
"He knows?"  
  
Of course he knows. You should know he knows since your the one who told him.  
  
"You knew I didn't want him to find out just yet. I trusted you!"  
  
Her trust in people was always broken. Why did she even attempt to believe in someone?  
  
"I didn't tell him."  
  
Sure she didn't. Now what does she expect me to do? Give her a list of the people I've dated while in Boston so she can go run to John and tell him not to worry since she's only been with 3 guys in the entire ten years out there?  
  
"Don't give me excuses, just tell me why you thought you could control fate?"  
  
The last thing she wanted to hear was that she and Carter were meant to be together. They weren't. It didn't work out then. It defintely wouldn't work out now.  
  
"Did you ask him how he knew?"  
  
No. They couldn't hold a conversation. It was back and forth question and answer session or they avoided each other complete. Even today she hadn't said anything that she didn't deem extremely urgent to him.  
  
"We can't hold a conversation. How the hell am I supposed to ask him how he knew?"  
  
She felt a coat going around her shoulders. Well okay, maybe she could stay now. She hadn't realized how cold she was.   
  
"You need to talk to him."  
  
As if talking will really fix anything. They would probably end up fighting with each other, screaming and making a scene in the entire ER.  
  
"He doesn't want to talk to me."  
  
He didn't want to talk to her. That was the truth. And she really didn't want to talk to him either, it just sounded better that he didn't want to talk to her.   
  
"You've got to give him a chance..."  
  
Yeah. A chance. She gave him plenty of chances.   
  
"When I said we needed to talk, he left and got on a plane to Africa... I'd rather just not say anything anymore."  
  
She could still remember yelling after him, telling him to stay. Telling him they needed to talk. Begging him not to give up.   
  
"Abby, he's changed. But his love for you hasn't. Even though you can't see it. It's killing him to hide it from you."  
  
Oh yes, the fact that he almost broke her wrists in the suture room is a sure sign of love.  
  
"He threw me against a gurney and practially broke both my wrists."  
  
She felt the instant reflex of Susan's doctor mode kick in when she reached for her arms, but she kept them close to her chest.  
  
"I'm fine. Just sore."  
  
She saw the woman back away from her.   
  
"Just talk to him."  
  
She wasn't planning on talking to him unless she absolutely had to.   
  
"Susan, do you mind just letting the idea of me and Carter together go? It's not going to happen."  
  
It wasn't going to happen. They were just too different. They had given it a shot and it hadn't worked out. She wasn't planning to put herself, or her kids, through that endless torture again.  
  
"And would you just get your head out of your ass and realize he loves you? I'm sick of him mopping around the damn hospital, like a dog without an owner, for 10 years. He can't move on because of you. It's not him, it's you. He knows what he wants. He knows that you were the best thing that ever happened to him and he knows that this is a second chance. It's you. It was always you. You need to get over yourself. You want a relationship to work? You've got to give him all you have, always. You can't shut yourself up, you can't leave him. You have to be there for him. Even if it's inconvienant for you. You've got to put him first. But of course, you won't because you are a selfish person who needs the pity of everyone, all the time..."  
  
She heard the door slam. She was furious. How was she even able to say that. She thought Susan was her friend. Apparently people had changed, drastically. She got the feeling Susan would try to apologize later and blame it on the horomones or whatever. But it was over. Carter and her would never be together. They would never have what they had before. It was time to move on. She had. A long time ago. She had her kids to worry about. Nothing else mattered to her. She didn't need love. Love was a stupid illusion created in fairy tales and fiction to move the world along. Love was a mental game you played with yourself. You convinced youself to love. She didn't believe in it. Or soul mates. She only believed in happiness. And that was through her kids. Even friendship seemed like a joke to her now.   
  
~*~  
  
Sorry for the bottom author's notes but you guys we have to band together, I know some people aren't Carby supporters, but the ones that are keep on reading, we're trying to get them to change the way the relationship is going and emails don't seem to be working b/c they are so easy to delete or ignore. I'm hoping that if we can get enough letters to NBC studios maybe they will begin to listen. So if you can, just write a quick little note or letter and send it out to:  
  
Viewer Relations  
  
30 Rockefeller Plaza  
  
New York, NY 10112  
  
Thank you so much.. 


	8. Truths and Consequences

Author's notes: Okay so I promsied a double update. And ta-da here is it... I'm complicating things more and more, and this chapter explains some things that weren't clarified in the earlier ones. And right now you people have no clue how hard it is to stay in the 3rd person omniscent (Abby).. I really want to get some other point of views.. but that's not what I originally intended, so it's going to be a struggle... I'm gonna stick with Abby's... God.. LOL I'm shutting up.. I talk too much... These author's notes are always like a paragraph long. Oh yeah, thanks for the updates!! Love ya all!!! :-) Tell me what you think so far... If I'm going in a good direction... I'm so commited to this story!!   
  
~*~  
  
She opened her door, happy to be home. She just couldn't pull off the rest of her shift. It was impossible. So she said she was feeling sick and left. It would be okay since Michele was clueless about what was going on, and she was naive as a little child. That was the one positive thing that happened to her all day. Annette seemed very quiet and distanced the whole way home, and John knew something must be wrong, first with his mother, and second with his sister. She put her purse down on the counter, and heard Annette's door shut, somewhat loudly. She had never known her daughter to act that way. But she was too tired to do anything right now. She looked at her son who was also looking at her questioningly.   
  
"Mom? Is everything okay?"  
  
No. Everything was not okay. But it's definetly not something you tell a 9 and half year old.   
  
"It's just a bit complicated, but it'll be okay."  
  
Maybe she should start looking for a new chief residency, or a residency, or anything somewhere else, like in China. Or at least in Washington or California. Far from here.   
  
"Why don't you go lie down, you look tired out."  
  
That is a good idea. Her head was pounding and she was feeling lightheaded.   
  
"Yeah. I'm going to go do that now. Why don't you watch TV or play a videogame?"  
  
She saw her son nodd his head okay. She headed to her room, passing Annette's closed door. She was tempted to go in and ask what that was all about, but she didn't want John to get involved, which she knew he would. She got to her room, and walked in, closing her door behind her. She drew the blinds, giving the room a shot of darkness. She laid down on her bed, not bothering to change out of her scrubs, and she was asleep in a matter of seconds.   
  
She woke up a few hours later, feeling a bit better after the much needed sleep. She looked at her watch, 10:38. Over 6 hours of sleep. God. What had Annette and John been up to in that much time. But at least they had kept quiet. She creeped out of her room, trying to be quiet, hoping they were alseep. She walked past Annette's door, and didn't see any light on. She was probably feeling a bit under the weather, which would account for her attitude. She got to John's door, and walked in, since it was left ajar. She covered him with another blanket, and kissed him on the forehead. She walked back to her living room, and collapsed on the sofa. She wasn't physically exhausted, just mentally dead. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't go back to him. She wouldn't. And now that he knew, things could only get more complicated.   
  
She turned on the TV to the news, but closed her eyes and laid her head against the cushions of the sofa. She pulled her feet up and regained her favorite position. She laid there for what seemed like forever. She heard the squeak of the floorboards and opened her eyes.   
  
"Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?"  
  
She motioned with her hand for her daugther to come sit down on the sofa. She came over hesitantly, but soon collapsed on the inviting recliner. She stroked her hair, playing with the tips. Nette's head laid on her lap. She never got an answer to her question, but it was okay. She was glad the tension that had been there before somewhat disappeared. But she still seemed a bit secluded, like she was holding something back.   
  
"Nette, what's wrong?"  
  
She saw her daughter shake her head slightly.  
  
"Annette."  
  
She was hoping if she couldn't get it out of her, maybe she would be able to force it out.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Something was defintely up. And this was her chance to find out since John was asleep and both would try to keep him that way.   
  
"Why do I get the feeling you're lying to me?"  
  
Okay she's working with all the possible roads she has.   
  
"I'm not lying to you."  
  
This wasn't her daughter. She was usually very open and loud, cheerful and happy.   
  
"Annette, I don't want to see you acting like this."  
  
It killed her from inside for her daughter to act that way.   
  
"I can't, but you can."  
  
That was unexpected, Nette usually didn't give her attitude.   
  
"What's wrong with you today?"  
  
She could usually figure out what was going on, but today was just mentally draining her.   
  
"Why did you lie to us?"  
  
What was she talking about? She never lied to them. She tried to tell them the truth, but sometimes she wouldn't give them the whole story. But she was only trying to protect them.   
  
"We have a right to know."  
  
She noticed she had picked herself up and she was sitting, her eyes almost briming with tears, but her eyes were different, hateful.   
  
"Nette, what are you talking about?"  
  
She tried to reach over to her to wipe away the tears that had begun to fall, to try to comfort her. But she quickly moved away.   
  
"That Dr. Carter... that he's our dad."   
  
She heart stopped beating. How did Nette find out. Had Carter talked to her? She pulled her legs into a criss cross position, burying her head in her hands. She took a deep breathe. She wasn't able to play it off with Susan, but maybe her daugther would be easier.  
  
"I never said that, you can't believe everything you hear."  
  
She hoped she would be able to convince her.  
  
"You're lying again!"  
  
Her daughter's voice slowly rose, but it was just under a shout.   
  
"You sat at that table and I heard you say that he was our father!"  
  
She had heard. She had heard her conversation with Susan that night. It must have been impossible but she did.   
  
"And you were evesdropping."  
  
Lame as it might be, it was her only shot right now.  
  
"You think I planned to, mom?"  
  
No. But she would never say it.   
  
"Does your brother know?"  
  
She waited for a response from the frightened and angry little girl standing in front of her.  
  
"No."  
  
She breathed a sigh of relief. Only one of her two kids would hate her.  
  
"But dad knows."   
  
Why did she suddenly feel like an idiot? First thing on her list of things to do: apologize to Susan.   
  
"He's not dad. I don't want to hear you say that."  
  
She didn't want to let them grow attached to him. He would probably just go and break their hearts.   
  
"He's our dad whether you like it or not."  
  
A smart remark from a smart girl. She couldn't control what the situation was currently.   
  
"He's not dad. He doesn't give a damn about you two!"  
  
Okay so this conversation wasn't exactly going in the direction that she had wanted it to. Her daugther's tears came out heavier and greater. Nette was angry and hurt. And she wished she was able to do anything to take that pain away from her. But life was hard, and she would have to learn some things by herself.  
  
"Nette, I'm sorry. But he doesn't love you. And I don't want you to get hurt..."  
  
She saw her daughter begin to back away from her, disbelief clearly written across her face.   
  
"No... You're the only one that's hurting us!"  
  
Annette turned around and practically ran towards her room. She slammed the door and she could hear the sobs echo through the apartment. She couldn't in there to comfort her. She knew she would only make it worse. Plus, her door was probably locked anyway. She didn't know when she had resumed a standing position, but she collapsed back against the sofa. Everything had been so simple, so clear in Boston. Why had she come back. She asked herself every day why she decided to come back and put herself and the two people she loved most in the world through this unbelieveable hell. 


	9. Only for Them

Author's notes: First off, thanks to Carby24/7, Kattybaby2318, CarbyLuv, Helen, and everyone else who reviewed. So this chapter is sort of short, in my opinion. I don't know if it's a good chapter. I just needed to get some things down on paper before I headed into anything major. So tell me what you think and if I'm going in the "right" direction, and if there is anything I can do to change it. I love reviews. And they don't always have to be good reviews either, if you hate something, tell me you hate it... I'm not going to get mad or hate you or curse you. I'm gonna try to realize why you don't like it, and work upon that. So get reading and writing! Thanks so much!   
  
She walked out the door after getting Susan comfortable on her couch. Susan was feeling horrible, and after a quick mutual apology, she said she would cover Susan's shift if she stayed with John and Annette. John had gotten up and had already tortured Susan with his jokes. But they were getting along and she wasn't worried that they wouldn't have a good time. Annette was still in her room. She had told Susan what had happened and Susan promised to try to talk to her. She headed to the El, hoping to get to work fashionably on time. She was still extremely tired, since sleep didn't exactly present itself to her last night. She had stayed up thinking what to do, how to make this situation a bit better. But she couldn't think of anything that would work for all of them. If she moved away again, she would only hurt Annette and John. If she decided to stay, she would be torturing the three of them. If she let Carter into their lives it would ultimately only mean heartbreak and tears. And if she let herself let go, it would destory everything. It was a situation without an answer. She stood up, the train reaching County's block. She walked slowly, since she had about 10 minutes before the beginning of her shift. She was glad it was only a half-shift, and she was on tonight, so technically, she would be working 18 hours, but not consecutively. She would finish up Susan's, head home for something to eat and a break, and head back here. She had talked to Susan, and they had been able to work out something for the next few months, since she was probably going to take an early maternity leave, so Nette and John would be able to stay with Susan during some of her night shifts.   
  
She walked inside, instantly being warmed up. The breeze from the lakefront only made the city colder by the hour. She threw her stuff into her locker and headed out to grab some patients, hoping to make the six hours go by. She didn't know who was on today, so it was hint of relief when she found out Michele and Luka were on. If they were both on, no unexpected confrontations. Well, at least until tonight. Maybe she would be able to weasel out of it? Probably not. She can't let her personal life affect her work life. She grabbed about ten charts and headed off.   
  
After many consults, admits, discharges, and trauams, her six hours were over. She felt like a burden had been lifted off her shoulders. She was ready to pass out. Or at least grab about 4 hours of sleep. Or more. Or less. Depending on the situation at him. And all through the day she kept on thinking. She knew what she had to do. She knew what the right thing to do was. To pack up and leave. Distance herself from this place, now and forever. But she didn't know how she would be able to do that. It seemed easy 10 years ago. Just not now. What was the big difference between then and now?   
  
She headed back to the El, and got on the first train that came. The ride seemed shorter than she remembered. She got off at her usual spot. Well usual in a sense. She walked down the stairs, the station looking better than she had realized. Well maybe because it had been rebuilt. Alot changes in ten years. And hopefully some things didn't. She reached the condo, walking up the stairs to the third floor. She hesitiated at first, but finally gained enough strength to knock. After a few minutes she heard bare feet slapping against the hardwood floor. The door slowly creaked open.   
  
"Hi."   
  
How original. What an introduction. Great going. She looked at him, she noticed she had probably woken him. He stood looking at her in a pair of sweatpants and a Cubs t-shirt. His hair was completely disasterous. But she couldn't read the expression on his face. She couldn't tell what he was thinking. He usual wore his emotions on his sleeve, but not today.   
  
"Hey.."  
  
She heard his voice come out hesitantly but with a pang of longing...?  
  
"We need to talk."  
  
She couldn't believe she was standing here, taking Susan's advice. She was such a hypocrite. But she needed to find out once and for all. She needed to know, for the sake of her children.   
  
"Yeah..."  
  
She stood in hallway for a minute, since she felt him absorbing her with his eyes. Soon enough he opened the door and escorted her in. She had to remember to act like a grown woman. She had to have this conversation. It was a matter or life or death, well almost. But she couldn't not let this be resolved. She had to keep her judgements to herself. She had to control what she wanted to say. She couldn't make herself a threat to him, because then they would never get anywhere.   
  
"Do you want coffee or something?"  
  
This sudden jolt of hospitality mildly shocked her. She nodded her head in response. A cup of coffee would be able a good idea. She would have something to play with instead of her hands. She noticed that once. That she played with her hands when she was nervous. He got back and placed the two cups on his coffee table. She mixed her usual sugar and creamer into the cup. She took a sip and put it back down. They were both hesitant to start. But she had to do what she had to do. She just had to remember she was here for Annette and John. No one else.   
  
"Listen, I'm sorry.. You had a right to know."  
  
She didn't exactly know why she was apologizing but it seemed right. And she did believe he had a right to know. But what would happen after he knew was completley up to him.   
  
"Abs, they're my kids..."  
  
So maybe she had chosen a good time to have this conversation. He seemed like he was really just zoned out and tired. His voice sounded like a little kids, whinning and begging.   
  
"I just..."   
  
She didn't know how to respond to his statements. Or questions. Or anything. She didn't realize how hard this might be.   
  
"How could you keep them away from me?"  
  
His voice started to grow more fierce, but it wasn't violent. It was just hurt.   
  
"I didn't want them.. I didn't want them have their hearts broken.."  
  
Her voice was now coming out as a whisper. She had orignally planned to keep it monotone. To try to save that element of not showing her emotions.   
  
"You didn't give me a chance."  
  
She didn't think he deserved a chance after what had happened between them.   
  
"You left me. How was I supposed to think you wouldn't do the same to Nette and John..."  
  
Her sentence ended in a whisper again. She had started out loudly, but always ended up in a whisper.   
  
" I needed time, Abby. My grandmother had just died, and I was alone! You were too obsessed with helping your brother to realize I needed you. I wanted to hurt you. I wanted you to suffer the same way I did."   
  
She watched him pace to to the window, opening it slightly, and looking out at the city below.   
  
"My brother was sick..."  
  
Who knows what might have happened to him. He might of been dead now if she hadn't gone after him.   
  
"It's not always about you."  
  
Who knew such a simple statement could burn so much?   
  
"I'm not here to talk about what happened between us. I'm here to ask what you want to do about Annette and John?"   
  
It's the truth. She can't dwell on the past. She had to look forward to the future.  
  
"I want to meet my children. I want to be part of their lives."  
  
She knew that is what ultimately would happen. She began to nodd her head...  
  
"Okay..."  
  
What other choice did she have?   
  
"They're at home with Susan..."   
  
Might as well have Susan there for the sake of keeping her together during everything.   
  
"Let me change."  
  
She watched him walk towards his bedroom. When he almost reached the corner to make the turn, he turned back around. Even though she was halfway across the room, she felt his eyes lock with hers.   
  
"Just because I left.."  
  
She looked down, hoping to signal to him she didn't want to hear any explanations.   
  
"...didn't mean I stopped loving you..."  
  
She looked back up, but he was gone. The last part had come out. A barely audible whisper. But she had heard it as if it had been screamed by him standing next to her. 


	10. No Promises, No Broken Hearts, No Pain

Author's notes: Yippie. Triple update? I think. I don't know. I just got really bored and thought I would update... I have no clue what I'm doing with Abby anymore. So please tell me if you like it or don't like it... Please... Any little bit of a review would help. It's a longer chapter so have fun.  
  
~*~  
  
They walked the few short blocks back to her home in silence. They didn't bother talking, and she wasn't going to try. She kept a faster pace then he, trying to distance herself from him slightly. After about 15 minutes they reached the main door of her complex. She ran her card through the security bar, punched in her code. They headed up the stairs, instead of taking the elevator. She needed to somehow keep control of the situation. She needed to be in charge. She had already pulled her key out of her purse, but she paused in front of her door before opening it.   
  
"Go talk to Annette first."  
  
She heard a sigh from him.   
  
"If she accepts you, John will..."  
  
She turned around and looked him straight in the eyes.   
  
"Do not make any promises. Do not break their hearts. I love those kids more than anything else, and I never want to see them get hurt, like the hurt you put me through."  
  
She turned around before he had a chance to notice the tear that had begun to fall. She unlocked the door lowly, and was greeted by a cheerful Susan. But her smile quickly disappeared from her face when she saw who was behind her.   
  
"Where's Nette?"  
  
Susan looked in shock at her for a moment before snapping out of it mentally. She gestured towards her room.   
  
"She hasn't been out all day."   
  
She nodded her head in response and looked behind her at him. She gave him the glare that could have killed an entire army. She watched him head over to Annette's door, and gently knock. Strangely enough, the door was open, and he cautiously entered and shut the door behind him.   
  
She looked at Susan.   
  
"You did the right thing..."  
  
No I didn't. This was the worst idea in the world. But she couldn't let her daughter go though so much hatred and fury. She was still too young. She had her entire life in front of her. She began to shake her head when Susan came over to her and held her in a hug.   
  
"It'll be okay, Abby..."  
  
She wiped away the few tears that had begun to fall.   
  
"Mom? Are you okay?"  
  
She had completley forgotten about John for a second. He had probably seen and heard everything. He had been lying on the sofa.   
  
"Yeah, sweetie, I'm fine. But we need to talk."  
  
Why did she have to be the one to tell her son that his father was in his sister's room right now. The man that she had kept out of their lives for so long suddenly appeared out of no where. She needed to try to hide the pain that she was feeling right now.   
  
"Mom, what happened?"  
  
She saw Susan silently slipping away, heading to the kitchen to make tea or coffee. She took her son by the arms and sat him down on the sofa next to herself. She pushed the stray hair out of his chocolate brown eyes. This was going to be harder than ever.   
  
"Well, you know how I told you I used to live in Chicago a long time ago?"  
  
She saw her son nodd his head in agreement and she took that as a sign to continue.   
  
"It was only a few months before you and your sister were born that I moved to Boston..."  
  
This was just becoming harder and harder to do.   
  
".. I had sort of ran away from my problems."   
  
She saw he was listening intently.   
  
"Your father being one of them."   
  
His expession changed dramatically. He was now worried. She saw him move closer to her.   
  
"And, he's here. He wants to meet you."  
  
There. It's over with. Done. No more. She couldn't speak anymore. She saw John look forward, starring into blankness. Then he began to shake his head.   
  
"No. I don't want to meet him."  
  
Okay, so this was going to be a bit harder than she ever thought.   
  
"John, he's not a bad person. It just didn't work out between us."  
  
He was still sitting, and still starring off into space. She saw him look at her.   
  
"I dont' want to meet him. Look at how much pain he's putting you through, mom."   
  
How was a little kid supposed to know about this stuff? Sometimes he acted like a little child, but sometimes he just completely shocked her and acted more mature than she ever could be. She just couldn't hold it in, she let the tears begin to fall. She had learned a good cry sometimes helped everything. John came over to her and held her tightly.   
  
"He's been gone for so long, we don't need him. You're all we need..."  
  
Her heart skipped a beat. Her son was the most amazing kid on the planet.   
  
"I love you, John..."  
  
She kissed him on his forehead, and she just kept him in a hug.   
  
She saw Susan enter the room with two cups of tea. She had her coat on, and she looked about ready to go.  
  
"I'm heading home, Chuck just called and Alex's is having a fit..."  
  
She was eternally grateful for her staying through that.   
  
"Thanks. For everything."  
  
She also managed a weak smile.   
  
"No, problem. See you tomorrow. Bye John."  
  
She saw John get up and give her a hug goodbye. She heard the door slam a few minutes later and John returned to his position on the sofa, pillow in this lap, hugging it. He did it when he was upset or worried about something. A silence overcame the apartment, and they both could hear the cars from the street below them and the waves hitting against the shore. A few minutes later, she heard a door creak and footsteps heading into the living room. John heard it too, and he moved closer to her, lying up against her body, his head placed securely on her lap. She ruffled his hair and whispered a quick "it'll be okay" to him.   
  
She looked up at Carter and her daughter. He had her in a hug, her head was leaning against his stomach. He had the same habit of playing with her hair that she did. Every few seconds she saw him run his hands over her shoulders. She could tell Annette had been crying, for the salt had left little imprints on her face, her eyes were swollen, and her cheeks flushed. But the resemblance was uncanny. She had the same dark chocolate eyes, dark auburn hair, nose, and facial features. She had her mother's figure and height, along with some of her habits. But they looked like father and daugther. Although she was hoping inside that it wouldn't be that easy for Annette to accept him. She was hoping for a struggle. But she got none. She had completely attached herself to him.   
  
She looked at them, Carter looked like he was glowing. Although she hoped it wouldn't be a permanent fixture. But she knew it would. The awkard silence was defying. No one knew what to say. She didn't dare attempt to force John into anything, it would only make things harder. And she knew that he didn't want to push Annette away. So she did the only obvious thing to do. The icebreaker. It always worked.   
  
"Do you want some coffee, or something to drink?"   
  
She looked at him, and he shot her a thankful glance. No one would have said anything.   
  
"Annette come help me in the kitchen."   
  
It was now or never that John and Carter would have to meet. She slowly picked herself off the sofa, and kissed John on the forehead. She looked at Annette who was getting the same motivation from him. She stayed attached to him, but he delicately pried her off, and scooted her in the direction of the kitchen. She followed her, leaving him and her son alone.   
  
She reached the kitchen and shut the door. She didn't know what was going to happen out there, or in here. Her daugther was looking up at her with sorrow in her eyes.   
  
"Mom.. I'm sorry."  
  
Her daugther could apologize every five seconds, and she would always accept every apology as sincere.   
  
"It's okay..."  
  
She headed over to the counter and poured two cups of coffee. She stirred in her usual serving, and stirred in his 2 spoons. Such a silly thing she remembered. She placed them on a tray and was about to pick them up and head out, but the phone rang. She grabbed the headset and answered.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
She heard a bit of commotion on the other side.   
  
"Abby, listen do you mind not coming in tonight? We messed something up on the schedules and you're supposed to be off tonight."   
  
It was Michelle. And it had seemed a bit weird that she was working over 90 hours in the last week. Or was it just because Susan probably jumped to take over her shift so she wouldn't be torn apart from the "reunion". She assumed the latter.   
  
"Thanks Michelle, and tell Susan I said I owe her..."   
  
She heard something drop in the background and heard the desk clerk yell something.   
  
"I have to go. It's the night shift..."   
  
She clicked off the phone and placed it back on the charger.   
  
She noticed her daughter was looking at her questioningly.   
  
"That was the hospital. I'm off tonight. And it's getting late. You have school tomorrow."   
  
She saw Nette roll her eyes, another habit that she picked up from her, and was about to begin pleading when she gently spanked her out the door towards her room.   
  
"You can come back and say goodnight when you're finished changing and brushing your teeth."   
  
She waited a second to make sure her daughter did as she was told, and then picked up the tray and headed to the living room. She didn't hear anything going on, and walked in to see a pleading Carter trying to get through to her son, who sat in the same position as she had left him. She walked in, and placed the tray on the coffee table. She got a pleading look from Carter, but she ignored it.   
  
"John, go get ready for bed. It's late and you both have to get up early tomorrow morning."   
  
Her son quickly got off the sofa and practically ran towards his bedroom. The clank of the teacups was all that could be heard for a while.   
  
"They, they're wonderful. Both of them."  
  
She looked up at him. She felt almost sorry for him. He really was trying. She hadn't bothered to notice it before.   
  
"John will come around. He's stubborn. It'll take time."   
  
He nodded his head.   
  
"He's also very overprotective of you."   
  
She knew he was. He had been the one to always take care of them both at times. He was a great kid. A wonderful son. Suddenly Annette and John both appeared, both set to go to bed in their pj's. Annette went over to her, and gave her a quick kiss, and headed over to Carter, whom she instantly lached onto. John headed straight over to her, and gave her a kiss and a tight hug. Then he headed off straight to his room. She heard a quick "Goodnight Mom," and his door shut.   
  
"Annette, go to bed."   
  
She had said it maybe a bit too forcefully, but it was late and they would never be able to get up in the morning. Carter understood her too, and kissed her on the forehead, and shooed her off to bed. After they both heard her door shut, they looked at each other.   
  
"I should get going..."   
  
He should get going, but that wouldn't exactly unravel everything.   
  
"No, don't. We need to talk."  
  
Why did she have the feeling that this would be the longest talk ever. He took his coat back off and sat down.   
  
"Only if we can first talk about what happened to us."   
  
She looked at him, a pit of unhappiness playing in her.   
  
"This isn't about us anymore. It's about them. There isn't an 'us'."  
  
She played with the corner of her pillow, avoiding all eye contact.   
  
"But there was. And that's why there is a them."   
  
She laughed. It was sort of ironical in a way. They have had to been together for this mess to start in the first place.   
  
"I don't want to dwell on the past as much as you do. But there are so many things that we left unanswered."   
  
She had long given up on even thinking about it.   
  
"I don't know why you're even here, is probably a main one."   
  
She saw him trying to control himself. She had changed alot over the years, but her attitude is the one thing she kept willingly.   
  
"Why did you leave? Why didn't you tell me?"   
  
Why were men so stupid? If they had only just been kept in that little oven for a few minutes longer maybe they would have been a more developed species.  
  
"I left because there was no reason for me to stay. You said it yourself. We work better unfettered."   
  
She could recite that damn letter to him had he asked her to. She knew it by heart, even ten years later. He saw his hands go through this hair, he was growing uncomfortable.   
  
" When did you find out that you were... pregnant?"   
  
Well obviously it had to be after they had sex.   
  
"After I had finished my last rotation at county."   
  
He was looking out the window, probably unsure of what to say.   
  
" I wish I had known. I wish you hadn't left."   
  
What would he have done then? Tried to revive something that was long since dead? Try to make things work? Propose? Force her into a life she didn't want?   
  
" Leaving was the best thing that happened to me."   
  
He was biting on his lower lip. A habit of his that she had always hated.   
  
" I meant what I said today."   
  
Which one? He had said alot today. Or was he specifically refering to the last statement he said to her at his apartment.   
  
" It was doomed from the beginning. Neither one of us just wanted to admit it."   
  
The usual statements. Statements that she had taken to be true.   
  
"You don't really believe that, do you?"  
  
She began to fidget in her seat. She was playing with the empty cup in her hands.  
  
"Yes. I do."   
  
She really did. Did she?   
  
"It's not about us anymore, Carter. There is a little girl who obviously loves you for some apparent reason, and a little boy who won't admit he wants a father."  
  
She hadn't lost her sarcasm. And she also didn't want to show that she wanted him in their lives.   
  
"Just because we didn't work out.. You shouldn't punish them..."  
  
She was punishing them by bringing him into their lives.   
  
"I'm not punishing them. I don't know why I should bring you in all of a sudden. We were fine by ourselves for ten years."   
  
She was now standing, taking out some of her rage on the curled up rug.   
  
"But they want a father. They need one."   
  
She knew in her heart that what he was saying was true.   
  
"They can have a father. Just keep me out of it."   
  
She didn't want to get involved. She couldn't go through everything again. She saw him nodd his head.   
  
"I'm going to bed."   
  
She gathered the remaining cups and plates and put them back on the tray.   
  
"Spend the night on the sofa. You can take them to school in the morning."   
  
That one statement took more out of her than anything. She saw his eyes light up.   
  
"Just remember what I said. No promises. No broken hearts. No pain. Because I will pick up and leave again. Just to give them a better life. They are my life."   
  
She didn't know if she was doing the right thing. Somehow she had managed to get through a decent conversation with him without shouting. Maybe things would be okay. 


	11. Dependency and Apologies

Author's Notes: Okay so I think it's about time for some really good thank you's::: HELEN: you're awesome. Thanks for the reassurance that I was going the right way with the twins and their reactions. JANE: I love you!! Thank you so much for that much needed pep talk! JENNIE: Thanks for thinking that the story's believeable. I'm trying :-) HYPERPIPER91: Through it all, you're still here! Thanks!! MAGGIE: I absolutely loved the rant. Just what I needed and you sort of read my mind. I really wanna stick some general Carter judging Abby in there.. It's hard though. It is Abby's perspective, but I'll see what I can do... CATIE: Thanks for reading... Through the good and the bad :-) E: Thanks for sticking with it so far. And yes, it does get nicer. I promise :-) KATTYBABY2318: Official review buddy LOL. I've grown used to your short and sweet reviews along with your updates (Please don't kill her!!) CARBYLUV: Thanks for your help (you're great!) and for your reviews... Glad you liked the couch offer. I didn't know if it was a good idea... TINA: Love the comments, and yeah she dose need to do some apologizing. I sorta kept Carter calm b/c in my opinion Abby would have kept the twins away from him if he was pissed or hysterical.. FAITH: Much thanks for reading and reviewing... YOU GUYS ARE WHAT KEEP ME GOING!!! THANK YOU!!!   
  
This chapter is a bit different only because I'm falling into a deep depression after reading the latest spoilers for the new episodes, and no I did not include any in here so don't worry... I hope it's okay.. I know it might be a little bit too soon, but come on.. It's been ten years... ;-) Oh if anyone needs any pick-me ups, try Kelly Clarkson, "Beautiful Disaster" or Michelle Branch "Here with Me"... LOL They are on repeat. Very addictive songs... Please review at end. Anything that's on your mind. Good or bad..   
  
~*~  
  
She turned from side to side, the little streaks of light peaked through the shades. She looked at her alarm clock, 3:27 AM. She had slept for a little over 5 hours and then that was it. No more. Sleep had deserted her. Normally, she would have probably gone into the living room and flicked on the TV and watched some infommercial until she fell asleep from boredom. But her living room was being inhabitied by the thing that kept her up in the first place. She decided to head to the kitchen quietly for a glass of milk, or juice, or whatever was salvageable in her refridgerator. She tip toed through the house, watching out for creaking boards or whatever went bump in the night. She reached her kitchen, and entered. She grabbed a glass and poured herself some milk, then put it into the microwave, since warm milk was supposed to be helpful for falling asleep. She stood waiting for the milk, and she noticed that light was peaking in from under the doorway linking the living room to the kitchen. She walked over to the door, ignoring the beeping of the microwave. She opened it and noticed that he was up, flipping through channels of random shows. She grabbed her milk, and decided to go over there. She had calmed down a bit since the last time they talked, and every conversation ended in her either crying or screaming. Both which eventually led to exhaustion, and exhaustion led to sleep.   
  
"Can't sleep?"   
  
She slowly began to walk over to him. Until she realized she was in a black satin nightgown. Not exactly the type of thing she wanted to be talking to him in. She couldn't remember where all her stuff was. And she hadn't had time to search, or organize. Her stuff was still half in boxes. She usually just grabbed whatever she saw first. She was usually in bed after the kids, and up before them, so who cared what she wore to bed. Obviously he did, because his eyes almost popped out of his head. She causally set the milk down on a side table and headed to her room to grab the one thing she knew she had: her robe. She emerged a few minutes later and saw the disappointed look on his face. She decided to ignore it. Just because she let him spend the night on the sofa didn't mean she was going to forgive him. Or that it was going to lead to anything. Or that they were ever going to be together. She had done it in the best interest of her children. Well at least one of them.   
  
"Sorry. It's really chilly."  
  
She saw him go back to watching the TV.   
  
"Nothing's on."  
  
It's almost 3:30 in the morning. Nothing's ever on, hun.   
  
"Never is."   
  
She pushed away some of the blankets to reveal her couch and she sat down.   
  
"I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier."  
  
Okay maybe she didn't owe him yet another apology. But like last time. It felt right.   
  
"I'm sorry I left you."   
  
Not again. Why does it always come back to this? Can't he just bury the hatchet and get on with his life.   
  
"Carter..."  
  
She had that pleading tone in her, hoping he would drop it.   
  
" It's our unresolved past. Our past that is affecting our present."   
  
She didn't want to discuss it. She left the past when she left Chicago.   
  
"You're the only one that's letting your past control your present."   
  
The faster they get off this subject the better.   
  
"Like you have never thought about how it could have been."   
  
No. She stopped dreaming after she learned that fairy tales weren't real. She needed to get off this topic.  
  
"What are we going to do about John?"   
  
She saw him nodd his head slightly, a type of gesture of disgust. She knew she changed the subject. But she didn't want to talk about it.   
  
"I don't know."   
  
An awkward silence passed between them. He had turned off the TV and the room was bathed in a low light from the lamp, and the sound of the waves could be clearly heard through the open windows and balcony doors. She pulled her legs up beneathe her, and watched him get up, put the remote on top of the TV, and sit back down, closer to her. She couldn't stop watching him, some hidden force drew her to him. He was starring intently at something across the room, maybe at the oil paiting she had hung above the fireplace. He looked away after a while, looking straight at her. She begun to shiver. She knew he noticed, but she wasn't cold. She saw him grab the blaket that had been thrown on the other side of the sofa and covered her with it. She looked down at her hands, playing with the tips of her nails, deepening her cuticles even more. She felt his hand against her cheek, slowly easing her eyes to meet his. He stroked her cheek gently, the way he had always done before. She looked into his eyes, deeper than she had ever before. She felt herself falling. She felt her eyes closing, her heart melting, her body moving without her permission. His lips grazed hers, but she tasted him. Desire for something that she had never forgotten.   
  
She stayed there for a second, frozen in the moment, absorbing it, remembering it, loving it. She noticed that he was looking at her intently.   
  
"No. I can't do this, Carter."   
  
She began to get up, throwing the blanket on the ground.   
  
"Do what you do best. Run away."   
  
She froze in her spot. Who the hell did he think he was?   
  
"Interrupt me if I'm wrong, but weren't you the first one to run away?"   
  
Hadn't they had this conversation already? Or one related to it?   
  
"I came back. And you pushed me away!"   
  
She pushed him away because it was the only way she could keep her sanity.   
  
"Why is everything always my fault?"  
  
She realized at that moment that she always kept on getting blamed for everything.   
  
"Because it usually is."   
  
She shook her head. She was mad. No, that was still an understatement. Furious.   
  
"Oh, and you're perfect right? You never did one thing wrong.."   
  
She couldn't think of anything better to say, so she stated the obvious, sharply and clearly.   
  
"No. I never said that. But I came back to you. I wanted to work things out. You pushed me away... "   
  
He's blaming her again.   
  
" I'm glad I pushed you away. It was the best thing I ever did!"   
  
She didn't mean that. But rage did crazy things to people. And she had forgotten to keep her voice down. Hopefully the kids were still asleep.   
  
"And I ran away because I loved you. And I was afriad you didn't feel the same way..."  
  
And she shut up. She was still boiling up inside. That exactly hadn't come out the most romantic way possible. He had screamed it at her in the middle of yet another argument. Thanks Carter. Always considerate of other's feelings.   
  
"I came back and you were gone. I hated you. I still hate you."  
  
Is he bipolar or something? First he's screaming he loves her, and now he's saying that he hates her.   
  
"Well the feeling's mutual."   
  
She had a sarcastic, bitter tone to her voice.   
  
"No it's not. You don't hate me. You can't hate me."   
  
He sounded so sure of himself. He was up for a rude awakening.   
  
"Fine. Hate me. Who gives a damn?"   
  
She had enough friends. She couldn't believe she was having this argument.   
  
"You took off, and I lost you. You also took ten years of my children from me! It's not fair!"   
  
What? He wanted to play fair now?   
  
"And you promised me you would always be there!"  
  
She needed to shut her mouth.   
  
"My grandmother had died! I had no more family left. I was alone, Abby! You would always have your crazy brother and mother, but I had no one! I needed you that one time! Once, was that too much to ask? For you to be the strong one? For you to be there for me? I didn't need much. Just your hand, your presence... But you ran from that too... "  
  
She closed her eyes, absorbing the shock of his words. He wasn't immortal.  
  
The silence could have shattered worlds.   
  
"I'm sorry..."  
  
Her voice came out a squeak.  
  
"I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for not being there. For running away. I'm sorry for keeping your children away from you... For leaving you when you needed me most... For not giving us a second chance, or even an attempt to fix us...I'm sorry for not telling you I loved you... I'm sorry. There's nothing more I can say to you! I'm sorry!"  
  
She felt the tears falling down her cheeks, she tasted them. She turned away and did what she did best. She ran. She ran through the kitchen, back into her bedroom, she locked the door. She leaned against her closet door, hugging her arms towards her. She heard a knock, but she ignored it. She sunk down, sitting on the carpeted floor. She wrapped her arms around her legs, bringing them up to her chest. And sat there. Wishing she were a million miles away. 


	12. Lies About a Good Heart

Author's Notes: I'm bored. I have no homework. The joy, so I thought I would do a double update althought this chapter is sort of short, and maybe repeats and mummbles alot of the things from the other chapters, but I'm just trying to emphasize the uncertainty that is present... Yeah... But the one day might stretch out over a few chapters since the interaction between Carter and Abby is getting somewhere, no clue where, but it is... Okay so I need some input, sorry guys, I know it means work put please.. pretty please?!?! How long do you think I should make this fic? I don't know I could make shorter chapters or longer chapters, but it really depends on how much you guys wanna read, cause I'll continue to write... And what do you guys think of how it's going. I know the last chapter was a mess of emotions for both, love then hate then love then god knows what but it's life. I know from personal expierence.. Men are stubborn pigs, but you need them... ;-) And oh yeah the song is Michelle Branch "Here With Me" I loved it so much I just had to put it in.. It seemed right...   
  
~*~  
  
She woke up, in an unfamiliar position, back and neck aching. She realized she was sitting up against her closet door. She had been hoping the scene a few hours ago had only been a dream. She closed her eyes, leaning her head back up against the door. She listened to the music that had woken her.   
  
"You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart  
  
And I wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true  
  
But I was scared and left it all behind  
  
I know you had to go away  
  
I died just a little, and I feel it now  
  
You're the one I need  
  
I believe that I would cry just a little  
  
Just to have you back now  
  
Here with me... "  
  
She got up and turned the radio off. She was up. She didn't need a reminder that this was reality. She stretched out, trying to get the knots out of her neck. She popped into her bathroom, splashing cold water on her face. Trying to pull herself together. She readjusted the robe around her waist, took a deep breathe, and headed out the door. The house was silent as far as she could tell. She always got up a half hour before the kids did, just so she could have her peace and quiet before the tornado. She walked towards the living room, hoping inwardly that he had thought it in his best interest to leave. But no such luck. He was half lying, half sitting on the sofa. Annette was rather lying on the full length, stretched out, her head against his chest. He had his arm protectively around her. It looked like a scene from one of those 60's movies, with the happy family and everything. Too bad they instituted child custody along with divorce. They were both asleep. She didn't want to wake them. Well him at least. They kept on never finishing that converstation. She headed back into the kitchen, putting on the coffee brewer. She needed a few good cups to get her going. She sat down, flipping through the ever-growing pile of mail that she never had time to look at. Bills, letters, ads. The usual. She heard the door shift, and looked up to find John looking rather upset.   
  
"Mom, I thought something had happened to you last night..."   
  
She nodded her head, trying her best to seem upbeat and positive.   
  
"No, sweetie. Maybe you were dreaming."   
  
Her son rolled his eyes.   
  
"I was up."   
  
She knew she had her pouty face on.   
  
"Okay, okay. We had a little misunderstanding last night."  
  
She watched him walk to the counter, grab his favorite glass, go to the fridge, pour himself a cup of orange juice, and sit back down.  
  
"Mom, we're not three years old anymore."   
  
She hated to admit that they were growing up so fast, mature beyond their years.   
  
"I know."   
  
He continued looking at her.   
  
"Why was he here in the first place?"   
  
How was she supposed to answer that question when she herself didn't know the answer.   
  
"He's your father."  
  
State the obvious. Might work.   
  
"He's not my father. He's just a father. A father I don't want."   
  
She closed her eyes. Why did she feel a tremendous headache coming on?  
  
"John, would you listen to me? He's not a bad person. He's got a good heart. He might be a bit of work, but he's worth it. Give him a chance."  
  
She heard him take a sip of his juice.   
  
"If he's not a bad person, why does he just magically show up now? After we're almost 10 years old?"   
  
She played with her cup. Why was she having these converstations with her son? This wasn't even material for fourty or fifty year olds. But never a child.   
  
"Because I didn't want him to."   
  
He looked at her.   
  
"Why?"  
  
Just because wouldn't work. She pretty much forced herself into the position that he wanted. She hated the fact that he was so smart.   
  
"Because I didn't want him to hurt you the way he hurt me."  
  
It was his turn to play with his glass.   
  
"So why should I give him a chance? He hurt you. That's my decision."   
  
She threw her head back, rolling it over her shoulders, still feeling a bit of pain when she did so. How was she ever going to get through to him.   
  
"Yeah. But I hurt him, too. We both hurt each other, unknowingly. And when we did find out, it was too late to do anything."   
  
He looked her straight and square in the eyes. The same way his father always did.   
  
"Did you love him?"   
  
What kind of question was that coming from a nine and half year old?   
  
"Yes."   
  
She couldn't lie to him.   
  
"Still?"   
  
She closed her eyes. She didn't know the answer. So she went with the obvious.   
  
"No."   
  
No. She didn't love anymore. Did she?  
  
"So why should I?"   
  
With that she watched him get up, push in his chair, and walk out, completley nonchallant. 


	13. Staying in Control

Author's Notes: Quick shout outs, I promise. JANE: Keep on rambling... I love it, you know that! HELEN: You are my hero! Long reviews are the best. And Abbyisms is the coolest word I have ever heard.. hehehe LILY and TAMMI: Lemme know if ff.net is being mean to you and I can email you the chapters... And NOBODY, E, CATIE,COOL CAT, AND MAVEN: You guys rock my world! Thanks for reviewing!!! Done. That's it. I promise. So I don't know how this chapter is going to be since I'm not in a really good mood.. I just got into a huge fight with my boyfriend, John, (it's pure coincidence) and he wants me to stop playing basketball b/c he says we don't get to see each other enough. There is a slight age difference as well.. Sorry I"m babbling... Lemme just say, I'd rather kill myself than give up basketball. It's in my blood. I'm done. No more. Onward to the story... Sorry it's so short. Tell me what you think. I'm leaning towards Angsty, but whatever happens, happens... (HINT HINT)   
  
~   
  
She knew John wouldn't be the biggest fan of having Carter take them to school, but they needed to get to know him, as hard as that might be on her. They were his kids. His kids that she kept away from him. Guilt makes someone do crazy things. She packed up their lunches, ready to shoo them out the door, when John began walking to her, almost a terror like expression on his face.   
  
"Mom, why aren't you taking us to school??"   
  
His voice was pleading with her.   
  
"I thought that you and Annette could get to know Carter better."   
  
She looked for his reaction. So he planted himself right in front of her, arms crossed, determined look on his face.  
  
"I'm not going unless it's with you."   
  
She didn't know whether she wanted to comfort him and talk to him, or yell and threaten him. She looked at her watch, ten minutes after seven. She chose the latter.  
  
"John Andrew Wyczenski, get yourself off that floor and out the door, NOW!"   
  
She rarely yelled at her kids. She hadn't a need to. But when she did, both knew she meant buisness. And she also knew he was stubborn as an old stump. He had wiped that determined smirk off his face, and looked back at her with apologizing eyes, fear etched in them as well. But he didn't move.   
  
"JOHN! NOW!"   
  
Her voice was loud, but it disappeared near the end after all the yelling she did last night. He continued to sit there. They were going to be late. She heard Carter come in, probably wondering what all the commotion was about.   
  
"Abby, is everything okay?"  
  
She looked at him. No. Everything was not okay. She wouldn't have to go through with this had he not shown up in the first place.   
  
"Does it look like everything's okay?"   
  
She seemed angry. Scratch that. She was angry. Why couldn't her stubborness have skipped the family tree altogether?   
  
"Why don't we take them together?"   
  
She nodded her head. It was the only way out she had if she wanted to get them to school on time and be at work before Susan chewed her head off about being late. She looked at John, still sitting on the floor.   
  
"You heard the man. Get going before I change my mind."   
  
She helped him get up and as soon as he turned around she spanked him on his butt. Oh he knew what was doing, the little brat. He knew what cards to play. Why did her kids have to be so smart? She grabbed her purse off the kitchen counter and her coat from the hallway chair, and headed off after them. The walk to the twins school was a short one, a good morning stroll. From there, they would catch the El towards County. It was all perfectly worked out. She emerged from the building to find John waiting for her. She grabbed his hand.   
  
"Come on kid, let's go."   
  
He gave her a slight smile and headed off after Annette and Carter, who had gained quite a distance in a short amount of time. She could hear Annette telling him about some math test she had to take. John and Annette were in different classes, which was probably a good thing. Annette was enrolled in regular classes, while John was enrolled in the honors advanced program. They had a few general classes together, but they were usually seperated during the day. John being the younger one, always ended up helping Annette with her homework. It amazed her. They came from the same womb but they were so different in personality, and even in features. She enjoyed the silence with her son, it was comfortable. Normal. And she would give anything not to have him bring up anything involving Carter for the next, maybe 50 years or so.   
  
They reached the school, a large 3 story building. It was public, selective, and it was only because of Michelle had she gotten them in. Michelle knew everyone in this town. It scared her sometimes. She was worse than the FBI if she wanted to be. Annette ran back to her, gave her a kiss, and headed over to Carter for another hug goodbye. She let go of John, and he gave her a hug and kiss. She watched them walk off towards the building together. As soon as she was sure they were inside, she began to walk towards Carter, and they headed off to the El.   
  
"She's really something..."   
  
She was knocked out of her thoughts by his random converstation starter.   
  
"Yeah, she is. All she's missing is her own talk show."  
  
She got a small laugh out of him. Then they went back to serious.  
  
"Is everything alright with uhh, John...?"   
  
Oh of course it is. He pulls tantrums like that every morning. He never listens. He's a problem child. Carter should think a little. He's bright, he got through med school. Or did he pay his way? Whatever it may be...   
  
"He's just not used to being rushed into things."   
  
He nodded his head.   
  
"I heard you talking to him this morning."  
  
She gave him a questioning expression. What? Now he was evesdropping on her conversations? Now she knew were Annette got that from. How this whole mess started in the first place.   
  
"You had no right."   
  
She saw him look down, like a dejected puppy.  
  
"I know.. But I walked in to get some coffee, and I didn't know you two were in there. It was a mistake..."   
  
Mmhhmm. Mistakes. He must make alot of mistakes.   
  
"He's not going to warm up to you if you don't respect him."   
  
He was playing with his bag, pushing the edges back and forth.   
  
"I don't know what to do anymore. It hurts so much that my own son doesn't acknowledge me."   
  
  
  
She couldn't see that well, since he had moved his head away, but she thought she had seen tears brimming his eyes. She grabbed his hand, and gave it a light squeeze.   
  
"It'll just take time."   
  
She saw him nodd his head slightly.   
  
"Time is about all I have..."   
  
She saw he was in pain. God, why did this have to be so complicated. Why couldn't everyone just get along? She took the hand she had been holding, and pulled it into her lap, and she held it with both hands, running over his knuckles with her fingers.   
  
"I'm sorry. I never knew how much they would mean to you."   
  
He was just starring out into space, the words coming out like on autopilot.  
  
"My life changed the day I found out. I was a father. I loved them without even knowing them."   
  
She closed her eyes. What was she supposed to say to that.   
  
"Better than love at first sight, huh?"   
  
She needed something to break the tension, something easy, lighthearted.   
  
"I would exactly say that. I fell in love with you at first sight. And that was the best thing that ever happened to me."  
  
He was still starring out into the unknown, looking extremely concentrated on a chair, but she knew he was in a completely different world. She saw him snap out of it, shaking his head. He looked at her, and looked away. She was still caressing his hand, but she let go suddenly, as if his touch were fire. His hand still laid in her lap. She regained enough inside herself to intertwine her fingers within his, a simple little weave. With her other hand, she picked his chin up, making him look at her, not beyond her, but at her. She cocked her head to the side, a smile forming on both their lips. She moved in, this time she was in control. Of her intentions, of her emotions, of him. A small, delicate kiss, a little nibble on the lips. She pulled away, just to see him captivating the moment. She looked up and saw that they were almost at the hospital. The train just began to stop, and the door began to open as she got up, and headed out the door. But right before she did, she muttered a short, small statement to him, nothing fancy.   
  
"We were a disaster..."  
  
She paused looking over at him, who had just begun to stand up. He was looking intently at her.  
  
"A beautiful disaster."   
  
With that she walked out the door. She didn't look back, she knew she needed him to follow her rules. She had so much at stake right now. Too much. She shouldn't have even done that. But it just felt right. Like breathing. It was a tease, a jumble of emotions going haywire. The shock and frustration just coming out. They knew it from the beginning. They were never meant to be. It was nice while it lasted, but they both needed to get over this sudden display of emotions. She needed to concentrate on John and Annette. Not Carter. He was in the past. Not the future. 


	14. Forcing a Push

Author's notes. You people would not believe how unbelieveable exhausted I am.. I just got back from practicing for basketball tryouts, every muscle in my body hurts. I was going to go to bed, but i decided to go online to check mail and I got a whole bunch of reviews. So I'm like yeah, I'm gonna review. They deserve it, because you guys are awesome and you deserve the best!! Author's notes going to be really short, and I think that this chapter might be somewhat short as well. Umm Thank you's: Catie, Hyperpiper91, Tina, Kattybaby, Rouge Fan and E thank you so much!! You guys rock!!! Helen: you are my hero!! You really are!! You are just wow! I love you reviews.. I could live off them! Thanks!! Jane: Yeah. Kelly Clarkson. I love that song. And I've said it before and I'll say it again: keep rambling!! :-) I love you all!!! Oh yeah, one little comment: I'm gonna call John, Abby's son, John, always and forever, and I'm going to call John Carter, Carter.. I would start calling both of them John but it's just too confusing. And Abby called Carter Carter anyways so it's all good. I hope you guys are okay with that. I might slip in a few John's during dialouge, but mostly Carter is Carter and John is son... Shutting up. Enough.. I'm so confused!!   
  
~*~  
  
She looked at her watch, 12:57. Why was the twins school calling at this hour. What had John or Annette done now? She finished up the intubation, and made sure Susan was okay before she ran to the front desk to find out exactly what had happened. She was handed the phone, and signed a line three.   
  
"Hello?"   
  
She sounded a bit more anxious than she had wanted, but what parent wouldn't?   
  
"Dr. Wyczenski?"   
  
No. It was the Great Magical Pumpkin Fairy.   
  
"Yes."  
  
She switched the phone to her other ear. She couldn't hear over the incoming trauma.   
  
"I'm Mrs. Thormson, one of John's teachers. He was in my class and he began to feel sick. I sent him down to the office, and they took his temperature, it's over a 100. I was hoping you would be able to come pick him up?"   
  
She thought it would be a different type of call. The poor kid, he had probably worried himself sick. But he was always prone to infections and virii. It's just the type of immune system he had. She would rush over there, could she. She was on, and she wouldn't be able to get off, under any circumstances. They were so understaffed that day.   
  
"I'm going to have to double check. Can you give me a second?"   
  
She heard a muffled yes from the lady. She looked around scanning the chaotic situation. What was she supposed to do now? She didn't even have a break coming up where she could run and get him. She twisted the phone wire, considering what she was going to do. She looked at the desk clerk.   
  
"Hey Andy, do you know where Carter is?"   
  
She saw him sake his head.   
  
"Page him 911."  
  
He grabbed the phone and dialed the number and the message. Within a matter of seconds, she saw him immerge from the suture room, running towards the desk.   
  
"Carter!"   
  
He halted right in front of her.  
  
"What time are you off?"   
  
She felt him grab her hand and look at her watch.   
  
"Sorry. My battery died. Right now. Why?"  
  
She took a deep breathe. She needed to get John home and in bed.   
  
"The twin's school is on the phone, John's sick. I can't get off, can you pick him up and take him home?"   
  
She saw him scrunch his eyes.  
  
"Is that a good idea?"   
  
Probably not.   
  
"He won't fight. Especially when he's sick."   
  
She saw him nodd his head. She picked up the reciever.   
  
"I can't get off, but I'm sending a friend to pick him up."  
  
She debated saying father. But she just couldn't say it. Just not yet. She hung up the phone and looked up at him.   
  
"Thanks."  
  
He nodded his head, no problem, in response to her.   
  
"So where do I wanna take him? Your house?"   
  
She was about to start nodding her head yes, when she realized she only had one key to her apartment, and she needed that one key just in case something happened. Her superintendent had the other, but he could only be reached in emergencies.   
  
"I don't have a spare key I can give you."   
  
She saw him close his notebook and pop his stethescope into his pocket.   
  
"I can take him home."  
  
It wasn't exacly the best time to be introducing John to new places and new people at the same time. But she had no other choice.  
  
"Okay. So I'll stop by and pick him up after my shift. We can walk home, it's not that far."   
  
She saw him shaking his head.   
  
"What?"  
  
He did that eyes and nose scruntching thing again.   
  
"I, uhh, moved. The condo you were at last is my father's. I moved out and let him have it. He's rarely in town anyhow."  
  
Get to the point, Carter.   
  
"I moved back into the mansion. The floors were being redone, that's why I was at my father's."   
  
Great. This was definetly not working out the way she had planned it. She hadn't exactly planned it either. She heard her name being called out, she needed to get back.   
  
"Okay. Okay. Whatever. Just get him in bed. And make sure he gets plenty of fluids.."  
  
He was nodding his head intently, as if he was absorbing every word she just said.   
  
"I know, Abby. I'm a doctor too."   
  
How could she forget?  
  
"Tell them to tell Annette to come to the hospital, and then we'll head over to your place after I'm done with my shift."   
  
She saw him nodd his head again.   
  
"You want to stay for dinner?"   
  
She thought about it for a second, and quickly nodded her head.  
  
"Okay, I need to get back to work. Page me if anything..."   
  
She watched him walk off towards the lounge before she turned back around and headed into the next trauma. She had a feeling that this would turn out to be a disaster. But he was sick. She couldn't get off. This wasn't Boston anymore, everyone had to realize that. She was really worried about him, but she was more worried about what would happen between the two of them, alone. John was really easy to handle when he was sick because all he wanted to do was sleep. She was used to the routine because he got sick alot. She had been to her pediatrician, and had some tests run, but everything came out okay. She was probably just paranoid. She gave Carter a small smile and he exited the ER. She grabbed the next chart. And silently prayed everything would be okay between them. 


	15. Letting Go to Hang On

Author's Notes: OMG I feel so bad about not updating yesterday. I was just so tired. I couldn't do anything. I went to bed. I just couldn't go on. I'm soo sorry. I feel so bad cause you guys deserve to get an update a day.. Please please please don't hate me!!! Please!!! I promise to update at least a few times this weekend, to make up!!! So just keep on reading and THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED.. I'm so tired.. That's why author's notes are so short. And this chapter is also sorta short. I'm sorry. I'm working on it. I promise!!!!   
  
~*~  
  
She sat down at the table, a glass of warm tea being placed in front of her. She had gotten here only a few minutes ago, her shift running over a hour and half late due to   
  
the accident on the Dan Ryan. She knew her daughter was tired, so they ended up going out to eat before coming to pick John up. She would get home, put the two to bed, and head to her own safe abyss soon after.  
  
"You look exhausted."   
  
She knew she lookedl ike hell. What did he expect after fourteen hours of slave labor and over nine traumas in one day?   
  
"I am exhausted."   
  
She saw him nodd his head.   
  
"We really should be heading home."   
  
She twirled the cup on the counter. She hadn't asked him how everything had gone, or how John had reacted. She wanted to know but she was afraid of the answer. She looked up and saw he was looking at her.   
  
"Why don't you just spend the night here..."   
  
He stressed the here for her. Would that be a good choie? She was exhausted, so were Annette and John, but staying here would only attached them more to him. the better life they could have with him. They wouldn't want her anymore.   
  
"I don't know."  
  
He kept looking at her, pleading mentally with her.   
  
"John's staying home from school, but Annette's going. She don't have anything with her. I just don't think it would be a good idea."   
  
She noticed him begin to bite his bottom lip.  
  
"I'll take her home to get changed then to school. I have an early shift tomorrow anyhow."   
  
It wasn't home to him. Why did he just say home? But then again, she had said it a few minutes ago too.   
  
"I just really..."   
  
She didn't want this. She really didn't want her kids to be subjected to this. They would get their hopes up and everything would eventually come crashing down.   
  
"Abby, all three of you are tired. I have a few hundered extra bedrooms. Please."   
  
She thought about it, pushing herself more away from the prospect, but she knew she would eventually give in. It would be hard to wake either one, since Annette had probably falled asleep with her brother on the couch in the den.   
  
"Alright. Just this once."   
  
Hopefully they would be too tired to remember this the next day. It was all a dream. She looked up at him.   
  
"Come on. Let's get them to bed."   
  
She slowly scooted herself off the chair, her back screaming out in protest. She followed him through the halls, her shoes clicking on the marble floor. They got back to the den, where, sure enough, the two were sleeping. They silently debated what to do, whether to wake them or carry them upstairs, and eventually decided to do both. Carter picked Annette up, trying to be gentle and not wake her at the same time. But she was out, cold. She sat down by John, and felt his forehead. He still had a fever, but it wasn't as bad as it must have been. She shook him lightly, and he opened his eyes, blinking quickly, trying to get accustomed to the light.   
  
"Mom..."   
  
His voice sounded hoarse. Maybe he also had a sore throat.   
  
"Hey sleepy head, how do you feel?"  
  
She noticed he wrapped himself tighter in the blanket although the room was relitively warm. He shrugged his shoulders in response.   
  
"Well, I have medicine for you, and then you are going back to bed."   
  
She saw his face twist. What was it with kids and the mention of medication?  
  
"We're not going home?"   
  
No. Not tonight, at least.   
  
"No. It's late and Carter said we could stay."   
  
She expected him to protest, but he just buried his head back into the pillow. She tugged the blanket off him, pulling him out.   
  
"Come on, you'll be back in bed soon."   
  
She walked him into the kitchen, and got a bottle of water and handed him a cup full of cherry red syrup.   
  
"You know the drill."   
  
She made sure he swallowed the whole thing, regardless or taste. He had been silent the whole time. She wiped him down with a cool cloth and headed to the stairwell, where Carter had disappeared with Annette only a few minutes ago. She led John, her arms around his waist. He was really weak. The fever must really have gotten to him. She was just about to attempt the stairs when Carter showed up. He ran down the stairs quickly, like it was something he did everyday. He probably did. He picked JOhn up from where she had been supporting him and started up the stairs. She got a nodd from him that told her to follow. She stood in shock for a few moments, not expecting that reaction from John. He hadn't even fought the gesture, just accepted it. Even when he was like this, he still had that spunk in him. She followed the two up the stairs into the third bedroom. He lied John down and covered him with a blanket. Then he silently walked out. She went over to him, and kissed him on the cheek.   
  
"I'll be up to check on you through the night."   
  
She heard a sigh in response, and adjusted the blankets and pillows around him. She got up, turned off the lamp, and left the room, leaving a small crack open. Carter stood waiting for her in the hallway.   
  
"Your bedroom's right there."  
  
She followed his finger as he pointed to a room across the hall, in view of John's door.   
  
"Annette's in the bedroom adjacent to John's."  
  
At least he had the decency to put them in rooms near each other.  
  
"Do you want something to change in to?"  
  
She looked down at her clothes. She was wearing a pair of faded green scrubs. Yet she hadn't started out in them. She had been wearing black pants and a white top, but three traumas later, she was covered in blood and unhappy. She wasn't supposed to be on truama duty today, but since one of the residents called in sick, she had to take over.   
  
"Yeah..."  
  
She saw him give her a small smile and turn around, heading to what she assumed was his room.   
  
"I'll be right back."  
  
She stood in the hallway, looking at the painting hanging in front of her. It looked familiar. She was fighting a mental battle with herself trying to figure out how she knew it. She didn't even know when he had come back.   
  
"Here. They might be a little big, but they are comfy."   
  
She accepted the clothes and headed to her bedroom for the night to change.   
  
She emerged from the room, comfortable in a pair of sweatpants and a white t-shirt. Ten sizes too big, since they were his, but glad to be out of that hospital garb. She headed down the stairs, the past exhaustion she had felt completley gone. She followed the route back to the den. She found Carter sitting up with his eyes closed, sprawled out on the couch. She headed towards him.   
  
"Long day?"  
  
She saw him nodd his head.  
  
"John?"  
  
She heard a slight laugh and a mummbled yeah.   
  
She was standing above him, hoping he would get the idea to move so she could sit down, but he didn't. She hit his leg, and he jumped, obviously knocked out of his daze.   
  
"So what happened?"  
  
He ran his hand through his hair, pulling at the ends.  
  
"He has your habit of holding in everything."  
  
She looked at him, not saying a word. Inwardly praying that this wouldn't end in a fight. She didn't have enough energy. She pulled her feet up to her chest and placed her chin upon them. She was starring out the window, anything was better than looking him in the eyes.   
  
"Carter, you knew it wouldn't be easy."  
  
Raising kids was never easy.  
  
"I never thought it would be this hard..."  
  
Hold on, what was he complaining about? He's known them for what? Like a little over a week? She's the one who spent nine months carrying them around, feeling bigger than a balloon. She's the one who spent nights trying to get them to sleep, breast feeding, changing diapers, cooking, cleaning, raising them, potty training, everything. He's with them for a few hours and suddenly it's hard?  
  
"Yeah, well, I didn't have the option of leaving."  
  
She didn't know why she just said that. Impulse maybe. Or she was trying to knock some crazy notion out of his head or whatever. But she instantly felt the atomosphere in the room turn icy.   
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
That's the first time she knew why she was apologizing.   
  
"I'm not going to leave."  
  
She heard his voice, determined and strong, convincing. Almost too convincing. But he had said it before. And what happened in the end? He left.   
  
"I've heard this before..."   
  
Her voice came out a whisper and she hoped he hadn't heard her.  
  
"Why the hell can't I get through to you?"   
  
Okay. So he had heard. But he wasn't yelling. At least the shouting match hadn't officially begun yet.   
  
"Can we just drop this?"   
  
She saw him look at her and begin to open his mouth to say something, but he decided against it. He just nodded his head, somewhat dumbstruck. After a few second of just stillness, he walked back over to the sofa she was rooted in, and sat down.   
  
She stared outside the window at the garden. Are they ever going to have a decent conversation without screaming at each other? Probably not. She was freezing. She realized it at that second as a shiver ran down her spine. She knew he noticed it too. She felt his weight scooting towards her, pulling a blanket with him. He threw the blanket over her, tucking it under her waist. Unknowingly, and almost reflexively, she leaned into him. Enjoying the softness and comfort of him. Just him. A momentary mistake. Oh well. She was tired. She laid up against his chest, she probably paralyzed him for a moment.  
  
But he reacted to her, putting his arms around her, brushing the hair out of her face. She closed her eyes. She would regret this later. She really would. She dind't have feelings for him. She had managed to get rid of them all after he left. But could she really permanenetly dispell them all, forever? She felt nothing lying there with him, yet she finally felt alive for the first time. It was a swarm of emotions. She didn't love him. She couldn't. He was just a friend. They would only ever be friends. The kids would grow up, and they would loose touch. Life would be normal again. She didn't need him, except maybe currently as a cushion and heater, but that was besides the point. She had let go a long time ago. So why did she feel like she was still holding on? She had hit rock bottom years before, but now she felt like she was falling for the first time. She ran her hands through her hair and nuzzled into the warmth he provided. Beds were so overrated anyhow. She knew she would fall asleep in a matter of seconds. 


	16. Cruel to be Kind

Author's notes: Okay, first off, thank you's: Catie, fanficwreader, hyperpiper91, Abby, Fuuruma, Kattybaby2318, Jane, and Tina, thank you guys for the reviews. I'm working in some suggestions... And Helen: Could you be any more right about the way that I am heading with this fic. You read my mind sometimes. You're really awesome. Thank you so much for all your input. Okay second, this is one of two chapters I hope to upload today. This is a really heavy chapter because I think we're long overdo for one, and I just feel Abby needs to sort out everything, which she does sort of does in this chapter. It's not a very loving, emotional chapter, but it really is needed, since in real life, you get doubts, and your doubts sort of control you. I just hope you guys like it, it's a change of pace, and I'm hoping to get something a bit lighter done tonight, but for now, this is it... It's really getting confusing with her emotions, I know, but it'll all work out soon enough, I promise...   
  
  
  
~*~  
  
She awoke from her dream. She couldn't remember what had been happening, but it hadn't been pleasent. She reaquainted herself with her surroundings, and who was with her. She jerked up, quickly getting out from under his reach, like he was fire and his touch was burning her. She was tangled in the blanket and it took her a few seconds to calm down and unravel. She took the thing and tossed it on the place where she had been sitting. She headed towards the kitchen, hoping to get to the back patio. She needed air. She needed to think.   
  
She opened the door, her hand shaking slightly. She didn't know why she was in such a state. She shut the door behind her, as she stepped outside, the wind blowing away the last bit of sleep from her. She was now completley awake, and cold. The cold away from the lake was different from the cold near the lake. The lake's cold breezes were invorgating, almost life giving. These were cold and dead. She wrapped her arms around herself, but she refused to go in. What was she doing here? She shouldn't be here. She was jumping into things too quickly. Too forcefully. The kids must be living this like hell. Annette is just so happy, but when this all passes, she's going to be destroyed. John is sick, and she's subjecting him to dealing with Carter. John doesn't like him. He shouldn't have to deal with Carter. Why was she doing this? She should have let him meet them, then slowly and cautiosly let him enter their lives, so when he does leave, no big shock, no big pain. But she let them go in head first. She let herself go in headfirst. Leading them. She knew they would never work out. They were from two different worlds, and the only thing that tied them together was one mistake, one night. He shouldn't be controlled by it. She knew he didn't love her. He loved the prospect of loving her. Of being together, of raising a family, of being a father. But not her. He had the idea that he loved her only because she had his children. No. It wasn't like that. She had to let him go. All they ever did was fight. She had to stop holding on to the thought of being together. She hadn't thought of it at all in Boston. She had given up everything. And now, two kisses later, she was again holding on to him. She was also hanging on to the pain and misery she had felt before. She shouldn't have stayed the night here, with the kids. The biggest mistake she could have possibly made. She was getting comfortable, taking advantage. Letting him lead her on. Leading him on herself. It was so complicated. She didn't want to be involved anymore. She wanted to cross him off her list of memories. She wanted to move on. She couldn't let herself be drawn into something because it might be good. It never ended well.  
  
She kept on shivering, running her hands up and down her arms length, trying anything to keep warm, and to not enter that house. She just needed to be away. To get away from him for a while. To distance herself, that's the only way she knew how to let things go. To distance herself so far from them that they would eventually disappear or dissintegrate. She slowly began to ingnore the piercing cold. She leaned against the wooden posts, guarding the patio she was standing on. She looked out into the forest in front of her, the trees swaying in the breeze. The moonlight gave them an eerie white shine. She was lost in thought. Oblivious to the world around her. Nothing haunted more than the mistakes she had made. Nothing mattered more to her than trying to make things right for her children, for her. She needed to get out. The wind and cold subsided for a minute. She snapped back into realilty. A warm sweater had been placed over her shoulders. She could hear him breathing only a few feet behind her. Instantly she moved. She moved farther and farther away from him, putting a good amount of distance between herself and him.   
  
"Abby..."  
  
She curled her arms up, slumping her shoulders inward. She turned around, as if looking back out to the forest. But she was only trying to ignore him. To build walls, and burn bridges.   
  
"I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have stayed."   
  
She regretted it more every time she said it.   
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
She felt his moving towards her, she started moving away.  
  
"You can come see them anytime you want, and you can have them every other weekend..."  
  
She was blathering again. She knew this could get complicated. She just didn't want anything involving court or lawyers. She would give in to him. They were his kids, he deserved a right. But he had to realize that being with the kids didn't automatically mean they were back together. That she could allow herself to depend on him again. That everything from the past was forgotten or ignored. No. It was over.   
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
She wasn't mad. She hoped he got that sense. She just needed to pull her life back together, she needed to be her own person. She needed to get back in control, for the sake of John and Annette, and deliviering them into a mess of hatred and confusion wasn't what was best for them.   
  
"The kids. I just don't want them to have to go through shifts between us."   
  
One way or another they would end up having to. But it was easier to have them gone twice a month for two days with their father, they wouldn't grow too attached, they wouldn't care too much. It would become routine, and a nice break. But nothing more.   
  
"They are understanding."   
  
She knew they were understanding, maybe John more than Annette. But they didn't get the full gist of the situation. She knew she would be hated for a while, but she was doing the best thing. She wished she had realized it earlier.   
  
"I don't want them to get hurt. I don't want this. Any of it. You have a right, you're their father.. But just let us get back to our lives."   
  
She wasn't completing ideas, her brain prevented her from doing it. She managed to steal a glance at him, he stood in bewilderment, looking straight at her.  
  
"I want you out of my life."  
  
She looked down at the floor. Never had she said something more painful.   
  
"Isn't that a little hard to do?"  
  
No. Not at all, if they played the game right, worked opposite shifts, managed to keep talking to a minimal, pick the kids up, never meet. It could be done.   
  
"No. Not for me."   
  
She was great at telling the truth. She was even better at lying.   
  
"You can't seriously mean that?"   
  
She was completely serious. She wanted to be done with the past. She wanted to be done with him. Whatever had happened in the last week, it was over. It never meant anything. It was cat and mouse game, so many years of not seeing each other. So many memories had flooded back, making the truth practically disappear. But now she saw the truth, clear as crystal. She didn't want to give in.   
  
"I know what real pain is. I've lived through it. I know how it feels like to have your heart pulled out of your chest and thrown against a wall with thorns. I don't want Annette or John to have to go through that. I never want my children to have to feel like the world hates them, that it deserted them. They are happy, carefree. I don't want that to change. Not just yet."  
  
She felt all the pain come back to her, filling the void again. Except the void hadn't hurt as much.   
  
"I can't just give everything up like that."  
  
And did he think it had been that easy to give up everything and move away? To a new state, two newly born children on her hands. She had been alone, for so many months, putting up her own fight.   
  
"You need to try."   
  
She hadn't looked at him once throughout this whole thing. It would probably just make her either more angry, or more unsure.   
  
"I'm not going to. I can't. I can't be like you and hide everything. I can't ignore what I feel is the truth. I love you."  
  
She knew it would always come to this.   
  
"No. You don't. Your confused, your overwhelmed."  
  
He never loved her.   
  
"I know what I feel, Abby."  
  
She was convinced not to let him drag her down, make her doubt herself again.  
  
"It's not love. It's you telling yourself you feel guilty, or obligated.."  
  
She kept on distancing herself from him, working her way slowly down the stairs and he followed her, a good couple yards behind.   
  
"And how would you know?"  
  
He sounded like a child to her. Trying to make a valid statement with nothing to back it up.   
  
"Because I've been through it all. The guilt, the regrets, everything. I don't want it again."   
  
She kept on deeping down to her past, remembering all the stupid mistakes she made.   
  
"I highly doubt that you've been through it all."  
  
He was just getting her more motivated. He was only pushing her more to her realizations.  
  
"I was married to Richard for a little under a year, and in that time, everything that we had once felt for each other fell apart. We had been mad in love. Or what I thought love to be. And then it was over."   
  
She was shaking a little now, her past beginning to haunt her again.   
  
"I'm not like him"  
  
She knew he wasn't like him.   
  
"No. Your worse. He never made promises, you broke all yours."  
  
Her words where painful, fierce. But she needed to get the truth out to him.   
  
"I never meant to hurt you."  
  
She almost ironically laughed. Who knew that a piece of paper and some ink could almost be deadly.   
  
"You meant to. You said it yourself before."   
  
She remembered the first time they talked. The words he spit out at her.   
  
"It's not like you actually cared."  
  
She knew he was trying a new a approach. But she knew the game.   
  
"Don't put this all on me. We're both at fault for what happened."  
  
It was both their faults. She should have given a little more and he should have taken a bit more. He didn't respond to her.  
  
"But this, this is my fault. Your the father of my children. Nothing more. I want you to understand that."   
  
She ran her hand through her hair, frustrated.   
  
"I don't understand. I don't understand how you can just throw everything away. How you can just decide for me."   
  
She was walking on the grass now, her bare feet freezing.   
  
"What's so hard to understand? I don't want you in my life. I don't want you near me because I know I'll let myself go, and I'll get hurt again. But this time I won't be able to pick up the pieces. I'm not strong enough. I'm done with you. Just leave me alone."  
  
She started back towards the stairs, hoping to head to her room, and lock herself in there till morning, when she would be able to take the kids home. She would get Susan to intervene between the two of them and figure out some type of visiting plan.   
  
"So I meant nothing to you!?!"  
  
She stopped dead in her tracks. She didn't turn around. She just starred forward, closing her eyes.   
  
"You were my life."   
  
She stressed the were quite clearly for him. She picked up a quicker pace heading towards the door, leaving him outside, alone. 


	17. Worlds Crashing Down

Author's notes: Umm this is a really short chapter. I was going to update last night, and I had a chapter all worked out, but it was just too happy and made no sense whatsoever in the context of the story. So you get this chapter instead. I don't know if it's all that involved, but it deffintely moves some of the plot along.. I hope you like it. umm, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED sorry I'm just so tired and have a mass amount of work to do, so I'll try to get at least 2 more short updates up, but at least they are up.... Please review after you're done reading!! Thank you soo much!! :-) oh yeah, what do you think should happen after this, and if anyone realizes the strange little thing that I pushed in to show how Abby's reacting... that sentence probably made no sense.. I'm shutting up....   
  
~*~  
  
She rolled over on her left side, searching for the clock that would give her some idea what time it was. She grabbed the half circle and its bright green letter showed the time, 7:38. A sense of relief washed over her body, they would be gone. Or at least she hoped they would be gone. She climbed out of the warm bed, stretching out her back muscles which had begun to hurt more and more lately. It was probably the stress. She climbed out of bed, the cold wooden floor hitting her bare feet like a shock. She walked towards the adjoining bathroom, hoping to splash some cold water on her face, wake herself up, make herself presentable, and head home with John.   
  
She changed back into her scrubs from the day before, folding his clothes and placing them on the bed. She pulled her hair into a loose ponytail, and as she did so, a few strangs began to come out along with her hand. She was growing older, no doubt, but this was insane. She got her shoes on, and headed to wake John up, hoping he would be strong enough to get himself ready while she hunted down a cup of coffee somehow.   
  
She exited her room, hearing the snap of the door behind her. The house was so creepy, so empty, so big. It had been built for a big family, not just a lone soul. She walked across the hall, the sound of her footsteps echoing through the entire hallway. She opened his door, and noticed he was still sleeping. She headed over to him, gently placing herself on the bed. She pushed some of the hair away from his forehead, and in doing so, she touched his skin. He was burning up. She placed her hand against his forehead, panic growing inside her. It had to be at least 102, if not only higher. She started to shake him, slowly and carefully, as not to scare him. She saw him open his eyes for a minute, but he didn't say anything. He just sort rolled them back into his eyes and closed them. She was terrified. She ran outside to the hallway, grabbing the first phone that she could find. She dialed the number to county by heart, but she still could have forgotten the number for 911 if she really tried to. She waited for someone to answer. After two rings, she heard Andrew's voice.  
  
"Andrew? Is Susan there?"  
  
She heard the commotion in the background, and him yelling for Dr. Lewis.   
  
"She's coming."  
  
Thank god she was there. She didn't know who else to turn to, who else to trust.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
Her voice came over the reciever. She could hear it almost echo through the hallway.  
  
"Susan. It's John. I thought it was just a cold. But it's never been this bad."  
  
She heard Susan switching the phone from one ear to another.   
  
"What's his temp?"  
  
She sighed. She was so worried.   
  
"Over 102."   
  
She heard Susan yelling over over her shoulder to Andrew to get an ambulance and send it out.   
  
"Where are you?"   
  
She closed her eyes, shutting them tight. She didn't want to say, but she had to.  
  
"Carter's."  
  
If she hadn't come here, she would have probably been at the hospital by now. She would have paid closer attention to him. She would have monitored his temperature more closely throughout the night. And now every possible senario ran through her head for what could be wrong with him. Heart attack, stoke, heart defect, coma. Every diagnosis growing worse by the minute.   
  
"ETA about 30 minutes, round. I'll be waiting. Abby, hold it together for a couple of minutes longer."   
  
She breathed in, holding her breath for a minute, hoping this was all a dream.   
  
"I have to."  
  
She heard the phone slam down, the signal begin buzzing again. She headed back towards John room, but she decided for stopping in the bathroom, getting a towel and soaking it in cold water. She needed to get the fever down before it became deadly. But she couldn't snap into doctor or even nurse mode. It was too hard. That's probably why most hospitals discourage from working on family. She placed the towels on his forehead, and within a matter of seconds they were warm again. She debated opening a window, letting the cold hair into the room, but she decided against it. It might make it worse. She continued switching the moist towels.   
  
In what felt like forever to her, she heard the loud siren of the ambulance, most likely pulling up to the house. She ran down the stairs, taking two at a time, trying not to fall. She reached the door and suddenly she was pushed aside by two paramedics. At least they weren't young, it was the young ones that scared her. She got back in front of them, running quickly toward's John's room. They entered the room, and she got pushed aside again. She watched them put in IV's, check blood pressure, his lungs, heart. She understood everything they were doing, she knew what she would have ordered, but nothing came out of her, nothing could move her out of her daze. Her son could die. That's the only thing that kept on going through her mind. Her son could die. His blood pressure was extremely low. His fever almost at 103.5. Dangerously high for a 30 year old man in normal health, about 220 pounds. Deadly enough for a 90 pound 9 and a half year old child.   
  
She couldn't stop blaming herself. It was all her fault. She should have left last night. She should have been at home, where she would have had him spend the night on the couch with her. She shouldn't have let her feelings decide for her. She was drifting through blame as they headed into the ambulance. She watched the woman battle with getting an IV in. He was dyhydrated. She should have stayed with him. She should have gotten off work and taken him home. Never relied on Carter. It was all her fault. And she would have to deal with it for the rest of her life.   
  
The ambulance ride was unbareablely long. It seemed like the streets would never end, they would never get where they were supposed to. And she couldn't do anything. She had started to pull herself together, but instantly was shooed away by the paramedic. She curled up in the corner, tears beginning to fall from her eyes. She couldn't loose him. She just couldn't. 


	18. Shifting Blame

Author's Notes: OMG I am so sorry I'm like lagging behind on the updates. I'm soo sorry. My computer like hates me, and it's just being very nice. But I promise to work my butt off to get at least one update a day, even if it kills me!!! Umm quick thank you's today: THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED! YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!! I LOVE YOU!! THANK YOU!!! Ummm I posted a standalone fic today as well... It's called Back In Time. Really short... Ummm Hope you like this chapter, it's also a little bit on the short side, but it's a good chapter, well at least that's what my support team is telling me, so just drop me a line, and tell me what you don't like, or you like, or you would like to see more or less of.. ya know the usuals.. and carbies.. hold on to that hope... :-)   
  
~*~  
  
She stared out at the city below. She couldn't go back inside. She couldn't go back and watch them poke and prode her son, putting him in so much pain. And there was nothing she could do about it. She was crying, her eyes burning from the mix of wind, dust, and salt. She was also shaking. Not from the cold, but from the pure realization that he could have died. He could have died and there was nothing in this world that would ever bring him back. No matter how much pain she would go through, it would never surpass the pain she would feel if he didn't make it. If he didnt live. He was on a ventilator. He was stable. But he wasn't breathing on his. She wanted to there, to stand by him, to hold his hand, to talk to him. Like she had seen patients do before her, and she had just simply pushed them away, shrugged them off. Now she knew the real threat. The thought that if they held on the physical, they could hold on forever. She just contiuned to hold on to her coffee, breathing in slowly and surely. Just trying to keep calm, trying to stay strong. She knew this was the beginning. She wouldn't be able to hold herself up any longer. She would slowly begin to crumble, one little rock at a time, and then she would be hopeless. Lost back in her old world of despair and pessimism. It wasn't like it was a choice. She was forced into it. Everyone always says pick your own mood. It's not that easy. She doesn't exactly have anything to be happy or excited about. She was now walking around the roof, dodging the pipes, a mechanical motion, like an old grandfather clock. She looked up when she heard the door slam. It was Carter. He looked about same as her, except maybe a little mad.   
  
"Why did you call me?"   
  
She shut her eyes. It never even came to her, she called Susan, automatically. She always trusted Susan.  
  
"I don't know."   
  
She saw him look down at the floor, shaking any thought of yelling at her out of his head, probably.   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
She nodded her head, heading for the no reply, but quickly changed her mind. Yeah. She would make it through. Somehow.   
  
"How is he?"  
  
She started walking farther away from him as if she wouldn't hear any bad words or the ultimate words she's been gearing herself up for, but will never fully accept.   
  
"Dr. Morrison is in with him now."   
  
Dr. Morrison. Wasn't he head of oncology?  
  
"Oncology?"  
  
She saw him look out into space, a million miles away.   
  
"He has leukemia."   
  
Her world came crashing down. Everything started spinning, her world falling apart. What was she supposed to do, how long had he had it, how hadn't she noticed? Why did it have to happen to him. Why couldn't the powers that be just leave her the hell alone? Hadn't she been through enough? Why did this world have to be so cruel? She had finally pulled her life together, had two wonderful kids, and now everything came back down. She hadn't felt like this since, since the day Carter left.   
  
"What strain?"  
  
She racked her brain for everything she remembered from her oncology rotation. Some strains of leukemia where stronger than others, others were fatal within a year.   
  
"The same Bobby had."   
  
She closed her eyes. Carter's brother. He died from leukemia. She felt her heart stop beating. Anything else to add to make sure she fell and fell hard? Anything else to make her world more of a living hell? She looked at him, tears falling down freely from his eyes. All she could do is just stand there. She couldn't believe the situation. She couldn't believe what was going on. She couldn't stop looking for someone to blame. She blamed him. He held the gene. She wished she had never met him. Her life would have been completley different. She would have been unhappy but somehow managed to pull herself together, with or without him. Nothing had ever gone right with him. Why did she decide to give him a chance. She never should have crossed that line. Ever.   
  
"You did this to him."   
  
Her voice came out hard and violent, a scream over the bussle of the city, a few ground below. She felt her tears start falling again, she had so much rage, at herself, at him, at the world, boiling up inside of her, yet she couldn't do anything about it. She couldn't move, she couldn't breathe, she just stood there, staring at him in disbelief.   
  
"You did this to my son."   
  
She saw his look of shock, of the beginnings of rage, then the face of acceptance.   
  
"Abby.."   
  
No. She needed to get away from him. Farther away from him than she ever thought possible.  
  
"Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!"   
  
Her voice was now a scream, determined, commanding.   
  
"Abby, please, just listen to me."  
  
He didn't deserve to be listened to.   
  
"Leave me the hell alone."   
  
She kept on moving backwards with ever step forward he took. She needed to gain more distance. She needed to be left alone.   
  
"Abby..."   
  
She didn't pay attention to his pleas. She didn't want any of it. She looked up at him, he had gained more ground than she had though. He was only a few feet away from her, but she looked him straight in the eyes.   
  
"I wish I had never met you. My life would have been better without you."   
  
She saw the instant pain, the instant torture she had inflicted upon him. She felt no remorse. Her son was in a hospital room a few floors underneath her fighting for his life because of him. He didn't deserve compassion or sympathy. He deserved to suffer. Suffer like she had years before, suffer like her son was right now. She watched him walk back to the door, he didn't hesitate, he didn't turn around. He was bound to leave her alone. Forever, would be the best possible way. To get out of her life once and for all. She didn't need him, she never did. 


	19. Failing Hope

Author's Notes: This is a really short chapter, but I promise to get a super long chapter or maybe even two up tomorrow. I'm not doing anything, it's the weekend, and I'm attacking this fic. I'm not ready to finish it just yet, so you guys have to bear with me through it. I'm sorry I havent' updated in a while, it's just I've been so busy with basketball and homework, it's crazy. So I jsut wanted to say thank you to everyone reviewed and stuck with me thus far. You guys are the best bunch of readers I have ever had the pleasure of pleasing, and I just wanted you to know that I love you for it! Thank you so much, and I promise to get alot of writing up this weekend.   
  
~*~  
  
She laid her head against the metal bars, exhaustion defining her present state. She spent her shifts working, and all her other time with John. She hated to see him in so much pain. It was all his fault. She needed someone, something to blame. And she couldn't blame herself. The whole time she had been worrying about passing on her familie's genes, making her kids Bipolar. She never once thought there was something wrong with him, with his side of the family. And now here he was. He was stable, but he wasn't improving. He was still on the vent, in seclusion. Any little infection now could be deadly. She knew the drill. Everything she learned during med school came back to her, his chances of survival were low, almost impossible, but her heart still held hope. It was so confusing, so deadly at times. She needed to hang on and let go at the same time. She just couldn't let him go without a fight. He was her son. She would do anything to take away all his pain and suffering. He didn't deserve this. Her life was falling apart, she hadn't been home in days, she practically lived at the hospital. She hadn't seen Annette in the same amount of time. She just kept on praying, hoping that he would be okay. She couldn't go through the day knowing that it might be the last time she sees her son alive. He could deteriorte at any moment. The DNR was coming around the corner.   
  
She looked at her watch, it was about eight thirty. She had a shift at nine. She hadn't had a good night's sleep in what seemed like weeks. She spent all her free time in the little light blue room with John. She held his hand, talking to him. He had been lucid for a few minutes at times and she hated having him be alone. He would feel scared and abandoned. She didn't want to leave him. Reluctantly she began to pull herself up from the chair she had gotten to accustomed to. She went over to him, kissing his forehead, brushing his hair back. She kissed his hand and gave it a tight squeeze.   
  
"I love you, John."   
  
She pulled herself away from him, walking out the door, trying not to look back. Every time she walked out that door, she thought that it was time. She would never see her son again. She would never hear his laugh or his sarcastic comments. She would never be able to spend time talking to him, she would never pull herself back together if she lost him.   
  
She was heading towards the elevator, dropping by the nurse's station, giving her usual orders to page her STAT if anything happened, good or bad. She was zoning out. The world was a blurr to her. She couldn't make everything right for her children like she used to be able to. She couldn't fix him. As much as she wished she could, she was useless. Sher heard her name being called, but it took her a while to formulate a response, or even acknowledge who it was. She recognized the voice as Carter's. He was another situtation altogether. He was the father of her children, he was taking care of her daugther while she spent her life at the hospital with her son, he was also the one who gave her son this disease. She hated him. She despised him. She never wanted to see or hear from him again. But she couldn't do that. Not because she didn't want to, but because it wasn't fair to her children. But then again, her children didn't deserve to suffer. Her son was in his room, almost on his deathbed, tubes and wires coming out of ever place possible because of him. It was because of him that he was here. Because of him her life was slowly withering away.   
  
"What do you want?"  
  
She didn't feel like talking to him, she didn't want anything from him. She wanted to get as far away as possible. Her voice snapped at him. Instituting her continuing rage at him, hoping he would disappear.   
  
"It's Annette."  
  
Terror rippled through her body in jolt. Not her daugther too. One was enough, she wouldn't make it. She wouldn't be able to keep her life together any longer.   
  
"What happened?!?"  
  
Shock, fear, all present in her voice.   
  
"She thinks you don't care or love her anymore... She hasn't seen you in days."  
  
A sense of calm ran over her body. At least physically Annnette was okay. She knew John was in the hospital, but she had made it very clear to Carter that she didn't want her to know more than she needed to. She was young, she didn't need the stress. She probably wouldn't understand how dangerous the situation was. She was better left in the dark than knowing the full picture.   
  
She closed her eyes in response to him, running her hand through her mussled mane, pulling an elastic off her wrist and putting her up in a makeshift ponytail. She was a failure. She was a failure at being a mother. She knew it would ultimately come to this. She couldn't take away her children's pain, she couldn't give them a good life. She couldn't support them or be there for them. She couldn't give them everything she didn't have, they didn't have the model childhood, worry and carefree. They didn't have a stable home enviorment, the white picket fence and all. She would have given her own life for them, just so they could be healthy and happy. But she couldn't, and now she was failling both. Failing John by not fixing him. Failling Annette by not being there for her, for lying to her, for expecting Carter to do everything. She had been playing favorites, spending more time with John, forgetting about her daugther. She was a horrible person. She didn't deserve these kids. They didn't deserve a screwed up mother like her. They deserved better. They were better than she could have ever imagined.   
  
She started to look down at the linoleum floor, still shiny from wax. She didn't know what to say, how she was supposed to respond. How do you tell your daughter her brother is dying and she needs to be with him. She'll get back to you after he's dead? These days seemed to circle endlessly. No mornings or nights. Just hours beyond hours of hurt and pain, sadness and stress, worry and prayer. All she had was hope. False hopes that would never come true, never win over the laws of medicine. She wanted to get away. She wanted to run away and leave everything behind. But she couldn't. It had disappeared as an option the day she decided she was keeping the two.   
  
She began to spin around, heading towards the elevator. But she didn't get far.   
  
"Abby, are you okay?"  
  
No. She was never okay. She hadn't ever been okay. This added weight on her shoulders only made everything worse. She pictured every man she ever met leaving her, and she would still hold her own, she pictured her mother and brother killing themselves in some huge stand, but she would break through it. But she never pictured herself in this position, holding her son's hand while he left this world. She couldn't fight his fight for him. She couldn't do anything but sit and watch. The chemo had been hell. Most of his hair fell out after the first round, but he still had a little less than half a head left. He was so sulken and pale. He wasn't awake, and she was particially glad he wasn't because chemo involved tremendous amounts of pain and weakness, dizziness. Nothing a human being should have to go through. Nothing her son should have to go through.   
  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
When did he begin caring so much about her? He never cared about her. He probably didn't care now. It just seemed appropriate or right. Some kind of quick fix for the next few days. She didn't stop blaming him. Every time she thought about him, the picture of John flashed into her head. She needed to work around him, try to see Annette without involving him too much.   
  
She was still standing in the same positon she was earlier. She was facing the elevator, rooted her spot. She couldn't turn around and look at him. She couldn't move towards the elevator, so she just stood there.   
  
"Abby, take care of yourself."   
  
She knew she needed to take care of herself. She knew her kids needed her, but it was always easier said than done. She needed to work, to pull of shifts, they need the money, the bills needed to be paid. She needed to be with John. She couldn't let him be alone. She didn't want him to feel deserted. She was slowly killing herself, but she would keep on going until she wouldn't be able to go on any longer, and she had a high tolerence. She had gone through so much in her lifetime, struggles and hardships where nothing to her anymore.   
  
She felt her eyes briming with tears. Who was she kididng? She was going to burn out in a few minutes. Her world was coming crashing down, headfirst, throwing everything into unknown chaos, destorying everything good, evil and suffering prevailing in her life. She wouldn't be able to pick herself back up granted John doesn't live. She needs nothing but her two children. Everything else would work out somehow, granted that she had both of them, and they were strong and healthy. But she wasn't strong. Far from it. she was weaker than she had ever been before in her life. She needed to keep that inner hope, if not for her, then for him.But it was getting harder and harder to do everyday. The hours that passed with no change. The days without a single improvement, only slow deteriorioration. This was it. This was the big fall. She was diving headfirst into hell and the bottom was paved with cold, hard cement.   
  
A sob escaped her body. She couldn't break down now. Especially not in front of him. Anyone but him. He had never seen her like this, he had never seen her cry. He was never supposed to. She wrapped her arms around her body, feeling his gaze still upon her. She felt the first few tears come slowly down, quietly streaming until the dam broke and the attack began. She tasted the salt upon her dry lips, the burn that the tears produced. Another sob broke out, this one brinigng her down. She felt his arms go around her and she nestled in closely to his chest, the tears either running down her face, over her lips, or absorbing into his blue shirt. His hands ran up and down her spine and back, he was just silently holding her, and she just continued to cry. She fell apart. She was falling anymore, she had hit bottom. Nothing in the world mattered to her anymore. Anything that happened past this point was just icing on the cake. And she stood there, in his arms, crying for everything, the world, the pain, the suffereing, everything she had kept inside herself for so long was let out. And maybe after this she would be able to regain some of that undying strength she had always possed. But for the moment, nothing but tears could help. Tears and him. 


	20. Loss of Time

Author's Notes: Okay one of two chapters I want to put up today. Like I said, I was spending Halloween home, alone. Another fight. I think that's about all me and my bf do. But anyways off that topic. I haven't done thank you's in a while so here we go::: CATIE: thanks for sticking with me for so long... you really are great! KATTYBABY2318: sorry, double angsty, but I promise it will get better.. At least only one of the two hates each other.. FUURUMA: Keep hope, just keep hope.. It will all work out in the end... I hope... ABBY: thank you!! I thought it was about time to leave the Wyczenski gene pool alone.. CARBYLUV: Poor Abby.. Not poor Carter... Well unless Carter comes back with a huge diamond ring that would be elegantly placed on Abby's ring finger.. Until then, he's on my **** list... ;-) TINA: thanks for the constant reviews..!!! HELEN: for the reviews... Always and forever. You're the best!! TAYLOR WISE: thank you for he review.. the little bit of happiness I get during my day... AMANDA: awesome reviews.. thanks!! IDONTWRITEIJUSTREAD, FANFICWREADER,CARBYLUVER,FAITH,CANARD, and HYPERPIPER: Thank you guys so much for reviewing.. You really have no clue how much it means to me. It motivates me to write, even when I don't want to or am just way too tired to do anything else. For all it's worth, all of you mean the world to me because you care enough to let me know what you think!! Thank you! I don't think I'd be this far without you!!!   
  
~*~  
  
She steaded her hand, the syringe and needle feeling heavier than ever. She stuck the tip of the needle gently into the first layer of skin, piercing it slightly, making sure the local anesthetic had begun working. This was the hardest procedure she ever had to do. Not because she didn't know what she was doing, on the contrary, this was a regular procedure. It was because of the person lying awake on the bed, sacrificing himself. She started to drive the needle deeper and deeper, she needed to hit the hip bone, and push it through. She needed to get his bone marrow for the biopsy. To see if he was a match. She had spent the last few hours discussing courses of action to take, the chemo wasn't helping anymore, and she didn't want to expose him to some experimental immunotherapy, so a bone marrow transplant was her only hope right now. And so far Carter was the only one that matched the first step, blood type. He was the universal donor, he was O negative. She hated doing this, but he had begged her. He told her he trusted no one but her with his life. Was that supposed to be some type of compliment? She didn't give a damn about him, she just wanted to finish this so she could get the results up to the lab. The final results on John had come back this morning, Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. Death was usually within a matter of weeks, the disease was never caught early. So many machines, so many tests, and they couldn't do anything until it was too late.   
  
She was running the biopsy by feel only, she wasn't looking at it, sliding the needle deeper and deeper. She couldn't think about what she was doing, she had to mentally picture it, and through sense finish the procedure. She felt added resistance, and knew she was nearing the bone, and she pushed harder. She felt him jump from under her, still awake, the discomfort yielding a small moan from him. Suck it up. He did this to him, he should suffer equally, if not more than John. She pushed it in completely and began drawing back the marrow. After a few minutes, she slid the needle out, cleaning the injection site, and placing a bandage over it. She grabbed the marrow from the table that she had set it on, wrote down Carter's name, and headed out the door, without even a second glace at the man lying on the table, even with the anesthetic, in a moderate amount of pain.   
  
She ran to the lab, handing off the container to the tech, quickly saying something about rushing the results STAT to pediatric oncology. She walked to the door and headed back to the ER, she still had to finish off another three hours. She was just about to grab another chart when her pager when off. She looked at the number 911, room 363. She threw the chart back onto the pile, sprinting up the stairs to John's room. Something was happening. She just couldn't figure it out. She got up there in a matter of seconds. The nurse at the front desk started restraining her from getting any closer to his door. She heard commotion, doctors and nurses running in and out of the room, but she knew little of what was going on, although the doctor in her knew he had probably stopped breathing, his heart stopped fighting, giving up on life. She gave up trying to get over there, and forgot completely about the world around her. So this was how it was going to end. This was it. She steadied herself against the desk, still in complete shock. She didn't want to move. Everything prevented her from moving.   
  
She listened deeper, the whole floor dead silent except for everything in that room. She heard clear. V-fib. Charge 200. Clear. Charge 250. Clear. We got tach. Arrhythmia. Flat line. 300. Clear. Charge again. Clear. Things she said everyday without completely comprehending what they meant except for the medical procedure associated with them. How long would they continue to fight? An hour? Two? Wear out everything in him, every resource they had. But it wouldn't mean anything. If you don't get them back within the first fifteen minutes, they are brain dead. The brain would be deprived of too much oxygen, rendering them a vegetable. And then it was never the hospital's fault, we saved them, instead of letting them die, and physically suffer, although they probably felt nothing. The families that didn't want to let go.   
  
She was holding her breath. Her pulse was racing, the world spinning around her. She was holding on the counter, her knuckles turning white. The world was on hold. She finally let a breath out when she heard one of the doctors from the room say 'we got him back, let's keep him that way'. She waited a few minutes, letting the crowd clear out of the room and pulling herself together before she approached the attending on call.   
  
"Dr. Clarion?"  
  
She was watching him write his lab orders up when he looked up at her.   
  
"Mmhmm?"   
  
  
  
She hated those types of doctors. That disregarded everything personal, just the disease. Every patient was just a patient. But sometimes it was the only way to get through a shift.   
  
"How is he doing?"  
  
She knew the answer, but she hoped he would give her some good news.  
  
"Dr. Wyczenski, you know your son's current prognosis. I'm not going to lie to you. You know as well as I do his chances are decreasing by the hour."  
  
She closed her eyes. No sense of hope was left in him. She was just supposed to wait and let him die?  
  
"Is there anything that can be done?"   
  
She saw he handed off the chart to the nurse, and he gently pushed her into a walk towards the elevator.   
  
"We need to get that bone marrow biopsy from Dr. Carter as soon as possible. If necessary we can pull together a team within the next few hours if it turns out a match. His situation is critical. You need to consider how aggressively you want us to proceed."  
  
She wanted him to fight with all his will, do everything in his power to help her son. Nothing else mattered to her more than seeing her son alive. But instead of saying anything she slowly nodded her head.  
  
"I'm going to hurry the lab up with that biopsy. I suggest you head home, doctor, and try to get some rest."   
  
She nodded her head again in reply. She couldn't head home. She still had a shift to finish and what if he arrested and she was at home. By the time she would get to the hospital, it would all be over. And she would never be able to forgive herself for not being there. She leaned against the wall of the elevator as she saw him step off hurriedly towards the lab. She hoped Carter was a match, since getting another might take weeks, even months. Time that no one had. 


	21. Disappointing Fate

Author's Notes: Just a short little chapter to move the plot along. Expect at least 2 or 3 chapters tomorrow. I'm going update crazy this weekend. And I'm not making this thing so easy and clear cut. Believe me. It wouldn't drag you in if it was so general. I hope you guys like and give me any feedback on anything.. Tell me what you like and don't like and what I can and shouldn't do.... Thanks tons!!   
  
~*~  
  
She felt the vibration of her pager against her back. She quickly unclipped it and looked at the glowing screen in the dark room. She had managed to fall asleep, but that was cut short by her page. She looked at the number, recognizing it as the Peds Oncology floor and jumped off the bed, sliding her feet into her shoes on the way out. She stopped in the bathroom for a second, she needed to wake up and somewhat human. She looked at herself in the mirror for the first time in weeks. She looked horrible. Dark bags under her eyes, her skin pale and lifeless. Her bones were sticking out more and more, she needed to take care of herself, she needed to eat. She ran her hands through her hair, pulling her hair up into a ponytail. When she secured the barrette, a few strands came along with her fingers. She brushed them off quickly turned on the faucet. The water squeeked out slowly and she slashed her face with it. She dried her face off, and headed towards the stairs.   
  
In a few minutes she met Dr. Clairon at the front desk. He didn't look too thrilled. She felt like another wave of disappointment was on it's way.   
  
"I just reviewed the biopsy. He's not a match."  
  
This news was just icing to the cake. She couldn't donate, she wasn't a blood match. Now Carter wasn't a match. Her horrors were slowly becoming reality. It would take months to find a match, and then it would be too late. She could try everything but it probably wouldn't work.   
  
"Is there anyone else, a direct blood relative?"   
  
She started shaking her head. She had been tested, so has Carter.   
  
"His twin sister, but she's too young."  
  
She saw him look up at her quickly, distracted from the current paperwork.   
  
"She's nine?"   
  
She nodded her head slowly. She was thinking about what to do now. Transfer him home? Let him be peaceful for his last few days? Transfer him to a different hosptial? She was clueless. And hopeless.   
  
"Blood type?"   
  
She looked surprizingly at the man in front of her.   
  
"She's too young."   
  
She watched him take off his glasses and clean them off.   
  
"She's his only hope right now."   
  
  
  
She couldn't subejct Annette through it. A bone biopsy, and if proved positive, tests beyond tests, including a spinal tap. It would be too much pain for her to go through. She couldn't have both her children in pain. And there were risks. The younger the donor the more risks they were taking. She couldn't subject herself, or Annette to it. She couldn't loose both. As much as they didn't deserve her, she loved them with her whole heart.   
  
"A positive. Same as John."   
  
She watched him look over his notes, John's chart. He flipped through the first few pages, then looked back at her.   
  
"How soon can you get her here for the biopsy?"   
  
She closed her eyes, wanting to scream. Wanting to say no. Wanting to do anything but subject her daugther to this. She still didn't know about her brother's condition. She was clueless to his state. And now she was going to go through more pain that she should ever have to.   
  
"Half an hour."   
  
She regretted even placing herself here, but since she was, she had to follow through. Maybe Annette wouldn't be a match. Or she would be. It was hard to pick, one pain over another, two losses or two gains, or one of each. She would never forgive herself if something went wrong with Annette. During the operation, or after. This was the riskiest buisness ever. She grabbed the phone from the desk, and started to dial Susan's number. Annette was spending the night there since both she and Carter had to work. She caught Susan and explained the situation to her, she was going to be there ASAP. They needed to set up a room. She wasn't strong enought to perform another biopsy. She couldn't do it. She headed back down to the ER, on the search for the one person she knew Annette could trust.  
  
She dodged from room to room, when she finally found him in the suture room, finishing up a head laque. She gave him a solemn look, and he quickly understood her. She walked into the room next door and he followed her into it. She looked at him. She hated him. She hated him more than her life. Why couldn't he be the damn bone marrow match. Why did everything always have to get so complicated.   
  
"You're not a match."   
  
She saw his head go down, his hands digging into his pockets. He better stay speechless. He better not say anything. She didn't want to hear anything from him. This was hard enough as is.   
  
"Annette's coming in for a biopsy. I need you to do it."   
  
He looked at her, his expression not telling her much.   
  
"Why me?"  
  
Was he really this stupid? Or did he just try to intimidate her?   
  
"Because she trusts you."   
  
She waited for an answer, but she didn't get one for a while. Finally she heard him mumble a short 'okay' and he headed out the door, leaving her alone in the room. She sat down on the bed, pulling her feet up and crossing her legs, she leaned against her hands. This was so complicated. Her life had been so easy before, now it was just one big mess. She had no one to turn to. No way out. No one understood what she was going through, no one knew how much hell she was holding inside herself. And no one would ever find out. She needed to deal with it in her own way, silently shutting herself off from everyone, taking every blow graciously. 


	22. Matching Needs

Author's Notes: Long update. Extremely long update. It's almost six pages on my word processor. So yeah. This should be some good reading. It's not a very happy chapter either. Advance warning there. But a really really really good read. So I hope you guys like what's happening, and email me with any reviews. Please!! I live for reviews!!! You know that!! Thanks a bunch. Quick thank you's since I want to get this up ASAP: Kattybaby2318, Missa32189, CarbyLuv, Canard, Mberger88, Sarah, Hyperpiper91, Fuuruma, tina, ER FANatic, Catie, Helen, and last, but not least, Amanda. You guys are great. Along with everyone else that has reviewed!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! Ehh, since I've gotten alot of feedback these ways, I'm posting my email and AimSN again cause it seems to work :-) email: ellaspyrka@yahoo.com and AimSN: ChaosTheory137 And I know that I'm leaving alot of other issues and insecurities unresolved, but I promise they will get resolved in the next few chapters.. Just stick with me on this.. Trust me!! It'll all be okay. how many times have you heard this constant blathering over and over again?  
  
She stood outside the door, starring out into space. She didn't have to be in the room, she could feel her daughter's pain. It was as if she was the one getting the procedure as well. She could feel the needle going through every layer, piercing into the bone. The same thing she had just taken a bit of joy from doing to Carter. She couldn't go inside, be with her daughter. It was too much, all at once, way too fast. Carter was in there, doing the procedure. She had heard him telling her that it wouldn't hurt, it would be quick. And she almost broke down when she heard the groan of pain, of fear from inside the room. She paced the floor, refusing to look through the half drawn blinds. She started the stairs, the elevators, the doorway, people going on with their daily lives. Nothing new, nothing old, just routine. She wished her life could be like that. Just routine. She didn't need surprises or anything else. She just wanted a normal, simple life. But she never would get it. Since she was cursed from the first day she was on this planet. The powers that be took an instant disliking to her. And they cursed her ever since.   
  
She couldn't deal with the uncertainty, the pain. She started walking up the stairs. She didn't know where she was headed, but her body obviously knew since it pushed her up, flight after flight. She walked through the familiar hallways, passed the usual rooms and stations. All a part of her life. She reached the wooden doors she loathed before, vowed never to enter. But right now it only seemed right, like it was the only thing she could possible do. She opened the door, and walked in, closing it behind her. The room was dark, the lights dimmed, and candles lit. No one was in there, and under the silence, a simple delicate music played. She had heard it before, but she wasn't exactly sure what it was. She walked towards the front, towards the darker part of the room, and slid slowly into one of the wooden pews. It creaked under her weight. She sat down, starring in front of her at the metal cross hanging from the top of the ceiling. She hadn't been in a chapel, or a church, since she graduated from elementary school. Back then they had mass every week. It was back then that she also realized she didn't believe in god. But right now, god was the only thing she could probably believe in, without being completely disappointed when he didn't come through.   
  
She closed her eyes, letting the place absorb her. She needed to get away mentally, let loose, let everything go. She couldn't cry, but the pain inside her didn't want to lessen. She needed something to hold on to, and for the present moment, this was all that was available. She sat in silence for a long while. Not thinking about anything and everything at the same time. The room was silent, she heard the door creak open, the chaos of the hospital being blocked out as soon as it shut. The footsteps of someone echoed through the sanctuary, almost as it was disrespectful to the aura of silence that was there. She still hadn't looked up, she had opened her eyes, but it didn't matter what happened anymore.   
  
"She's a match."  
  
She heard Carter's voice breaking the silence, cracking it like a bat would break through a windshield. So John had a chance. But not without the risks for Annette. Just because she was a match didn't mean that she was necessarily healthy and ready to go. There were precautions, preparations, and pain to deal with. And she didn't know if she wanted Annette to go through with it. She saw a chart come in front of her.  
  
"I need you to sign the release for the spinal tap."   
  
The most painful of all procedures done on an awake patient. Her hand was trembling, just thinking about how much torture that would be. It wasn't an easy procedure, and sources of error were great. What if they messed up? What if something didn't go right? She could be paralyzed for the rest of her life. But her hand slid over the paper as graciously as it ever did, her signature steady and clear.   
  
"How is she?"  
  
It felt like it had been years since she had last seen her daughter, happy and energetic.  
  
"She wants to see you."  
  
She nodded her head in response. No words seemed appropriate.   
  
"You can't keep blocking her, or me out."  
  
Sometimes blocking people was the only way for her to deal. She could imagine none of it was real, all a dream.   
  
"I'm not blocking you out."   
  
She heard the pew creak when he shifted positions, she was facing her, but she couldn't look up.   
  
"Abby..."   
  
She continued looking out into space, creating a secret wish to be halfway around the world.   
  
"I'm not blocking you out."  
  
Her voice came out stronger and more determined. She was lying more convincingly now. She felt his hand come up to her cheek, turning her head towards him. She avoided eye contact.   
  
"It's all going to be okay."  
  
She wished she could believe him. But he was better at lying and breaking promises than she was.   
  
"I wish I could believe you."   
  
She really wished she could. Anything that would give her a bit of hope to get through this.   
  
"How can I get through to you?"   
  
Hadn't they tried this conversation ten years too late?   
  
"Everything's not going to be okay."  
  
She turned away from him, moving her body farther away from him.   
  
"You've got to believe it's going to get better. That's the only thing you can do right now. But you cannot do what your doing. You've got to talk to me."   
  
She didn't feel the need to spill out her soul to the one person who would probably just leave her when the situation got difficult. He had already proved to her what kind of person he was ten years ago.   
  
"I don't need to talk. Much less to you."   
  
She heard a sigh of frustration escape from him. If she played her cards right, she would either anger him completely or he would get so frustrated he would leave her alone.   
  
"Why the hell do you always have to protect yourself from me? The only thing I want to do is help you."  
  
Now this was reminding her of a different conversation she had a long time ago with a certain other doctor.   
  
"I don't want help."   
  
Another frustrated sigh.   
  
"Look at you! Your falling apart!"   
  
Better falling apart, than being pieced together by him, then he'll just realize he ran out of glue and quickly give up.   
  
"I don't need you."   
  
She was holding back tears at this point, not because of what he was saying, but what she was slowly realizing.   
  
"Figures. You'll never change."  
  
Like a stab taken into her heart. Everything sort of when numb and dizzy for a while.   
  
"I changed. I changed for you. For us. And obviously that got me no where."   
  
She was watching his pace the floor. The room wasn't so holy and quiet anymore.   
  
"I didn't want you to change. I just wanted you to be a better person."   
  
Like hell, you had to change to be a better person.  
  
"Yes, because I wasn't up to your standards..."  
  
She was a disaster waiting to happen. Wait, it already had.   
  
"No. Abby. No. Not because you weren't up to my standards, or because my family might loathe you, I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to help make you happy. I knew I could make you happy. But you had to let yourself go. You had to let go of that pessimistic side of you. You can't go through life thinking nothing good will ever happen to you."   
  
Well isn't this speech also ten years too late? Her life was pessimistic. Nothing good had ever happened to her. And when it did, it always came with consequences, or hidden tricks. So might as well be miserable, and when the good subsided, the bad won't surprise her.   
  
"Because it never will."   
  
The third frustrated sigh of the evening.  
  
"You can't act like this. Not now."   
  
She wasn't supposed to listen to him right now. Why should she listen to him?   
  
"I can act any way I want, because I'm going to be the one stuck here."  
  
He was facing his back towards her, and he quickly turned around.   
  
"Would you get it through your head that I'm not going to leave?!?"   
  
Always easier said than done.   
  
"Just like you had said before."   
  
A small, ironical laugh escaped his lips.   
  
"I was going through so much, so fast, and you.. You just weren't helping.. Too many things colliding at once. And I wish I could make you understand but obviously you can't comprehend something far more... fascinating.... than your family."   
  
Her family was the only dependent thing she had.   
  
"It was my family, John."   
  
Her voice was coming out more aggressive with every sentence.   
  
"And she was my grandmother. The only person who actually gave a damn about me."   
  
She bit the inside of her lip, words seems too strange to push into the awkwardness of the situation.   
  
"I gave a damn about you."   
  
That was unexpected, and she was the one saying it.   
  
"Well you obviously didn't show it. You blame me for leaving. But you left. Twice, in fact. I needed you."   
  
She remembered the vague memories of their last weeks together. Nothing but agreements and awkward silences.   
  
"And you gave up on me!"   
  
Now she was growing frustrated. She was already exhausted. This probably wouldn't turn out well.   
  
"There was nothing to give up on! You gave up on yourself."   
  
That part was particularly true. She did give up on herself. Not because she had knowingly wanted to, but because it seemed appropriate. It was the only thing the world did to her anyway. She didn't know what to say. And he just kept on looking at her. Silence once again, the delicate music sounding like a huge orchestra from the first row.   
  
"You know that there hasn't passed a day that I haven't thought about you... The biggest regret of my life was coming back here to find that you had disappeared.. I wanted to give up on life, Abby..."   
  
Way to sweet talk someone. But this wasn't Shakespearean England, and they were definitely not Romeo and Juliet. Far from it.   
  
"And what is that supposed to tell me? Besides the fact that I have a suicidal candidate for a fiancee?"   
  
Her ironic, sarcastic side just appeared out of no where. That was completely unappropriated, and as much, she regretted it the moment it escaped her lips.   
  
"No. It should tell you that I would give up my life for just a second of happiness for you. It should tell you that I love you, and these kids, more than life itself. I have you back in my life, whatever state it may be in, and I'm not letting go. Because you, screwed up with all your insecurities, doubts, and fears, have control over me. You've always had control over me... I wanted to get away from you, detest you, forget you. I never could."   
  
Well she obviously had a better shot at the giving up part than he did. But she never actually full forgot him. Just ignored him until it dropped her line of remembrance.   
  
"What? And you think forgetting you was so easy for me to do? You were the first and only one that I could say I felt pure and honest love for, Carter. You reached places within me that I never thought anyone could. You were the first person to understand me, to stand by me, to not leave when the world was against me! You're the person I compared everyone else to. But I choose a bad comparison."   
  
More than she had ever expected to tell anyone, ever. No one said a word. The air was heavy, almost visible.   
  
"We can't keep doing this. Our children need us. Both of us."   
  
She knew Annette and John needed them. They needed them to act civil, to act whole. To stand right next to them and tell them everything was going to be okay. What a lie. They would be lying through their teeth.   
  
"I need you."   
  
She looked down at the floor. That was it. Nothing more was left of her to see, to uncover. She needed him. She was dependent on him. She never stopped thinking about him. She never stopped loving him. She just needed him right now more than anything. As much as she blamed him. As much as she wanted him to suffer. She only felt safe, calm, true to herself, in his arms. And only his arms.   
  
"You've made it pretty clear to me that you don't need me. You don't want me."   
  
She couldn't look up at him, she was just starring straight ahead into the designs of the stained glass on the windows. She heard the door creak open, and slam shut. Tears began flowing down her eyes, even though she thought she had no more left. This was the one time she had to be weak.   
  
She walked out of the pew, heading towards the door in a slow, but persistent step. The door felt like it weighed three hundred pounds, it didn't want to open. She wanted to convinced herself not to open it. To suck it, and just hold on to everything inside her. Not let go. But it was too late. She was gone. She walked outside the door, watching his white lab coat walk through the hallway.  
  
"John! Please... Just please... don't leave."  
  
She watched him continue to walk, then he stopped slowly, not turning around, not moving. He shifted his body to face her after what felt like forever. He just stood there, and she started walking towards him, distraught and falling apart and she might be right then and there. She didn't know when she got there. She didn't know when she was back in his arms. Something finally felt certain, right, hopeful.  
  
"I love you."   
  
She hadn't said it to him. She had never said it to him. Even when they were together, love was the last emotion, the strongest, the fastest, the hardest, the most fragile. She was just being held by him. Even if it lasted only for a few seconds. She might gain some strength from him.   
  
"I love you, too.... I love you..."   
  
She felt his hands pushing her hair away, his hand running over the small of her back over and over. She couldn't let go. She just couldn't let go. It was now and for forever. 


	23. Gaining Losses

Author's Notes: Hey guys, this is going to be really really short because It's like 10:10, I'm completely exhausted from working on Dickens, and research paper, and arguing with John, and just everything. I'm done for the day. So I hope you like whatever comes out tonight, and THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED!! YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! And tomorrow's update will be longer. Tomorrow is my basketball tryouts.. Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!   
  
~*~  
  
She held her daughter's hand, almost as if she were trying to transmit the pain she was going through. She held her hand tightly, letting her daughter squeeze it when it was too much for her to take. She watched Carter perform the simple procedure, something they had done so many times before, it was like clockwork now. But it was different when he was doing it on her own flesh and blood, on her own child. They needed the spinal tap to rule out any other underlying infections that could prove fatal in the newly transplanted marrow in John's organism. He had lost his ability to fight off infections. He couldn't be around anyone with the slightest chance of catching something. It could be fatal. She felt the pain as he drove the needle inbetween the bones. She could hear the click of it, and Annette's sudden jolt a few seconds later at the pain preceeded through her body. She heard another whimper, and with her other hand, kept on running over her face, whispering words that it would be okay. It would hopefully be okay. She handed the bottle to Carter who instantly took it and filled it with the clear fluid. He took an extra amount they probably wouldn't need, but just to be on the safe side so they wouldn't have to puncture her again. She watched him top off the bottle, and signaled to Luka to give Annette the sleep aid. She would have to sleep through some of the pain, since pain killers weren't always the best thing for a child, especially in her state. She looked at Luka, who had just pushed the medication through the IV line. He looked up at her and gave her a slight nodd. She knew he was planning on staying by her side till one of the two got back. She headed out, giving her daugther one last kiss on the forehead.   
  
"Carter, wait."   
  
She attempted a slight jog to catch up with him, but her body was giving up, and every motion felt forced.   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
She nodded her head, bitting on her bottom lip. She felt a little dizzy, a little overwhelmed, but that was normal. She hadn't eaten in hours, slept in days. They walked the short trip down the stairs to the lab, and placed the order with the tech, to go STAT. There was no other option available right now, and she prayed Annette was healthy enough to go through with the transplant.   
  
They turned around, and she felt his hand going around her shoulders, like he always had, protectively. The little things that she missed. She buried her head into his chest again, and they walked slower than they originally had, just trying to sort the situation.   
  
"He's going to be okay, right?"   
  
She looked up at him for an answer. He had the hope she had lost so many years ago.   
  
"Yeah. He is."  
  
She felt a kiss on her forehead, and a single tear let itself fall from her eye, that he quickly wipped away.   
  
"I promise. It'll be okay."   
  
She nodded her head, burying herself into him once again. She needed something to hold on to, even if was only for the next few hours. She just needed to get through this, then he could leave. He could do whatever he wanted, but she needed him now.   
  
They headed back to Annette's room, and as soon as they stepped in, Luka was dismissed from his vigil across their daugther. They had the room secluded, Susan insisiting they stay down here, since upstairs everyone else is always hostile. There was only one chair, and Carter grabbed it and brought it to the bed, he sat down and took her with him. She curled up in his lap, his hands running up and down her back. She was so exhausted, so destoryed. She couldn't stop thinking of her son. She couldn't stop thinking about why the world went so wrong. She couldn't stop letting this feeling of comfort and trust overcome her. She closed her eyes, resting her head against his chest, being lulled by the constant beep of the machines and the gentle rise of his chest with every breath. She felt herself slipping into a restless sleep, but it was sleep nonetheless. 


	24. Lying Comforts

Author's Notes: Updated. Finally. You guys are probably starting to hate me for not updating!!! I'm soo sorry. I had basketball tryouts. And nope. I'm not on the team. It's actually a good thing right now because i cannot feel either of my ankles, and when I can, it's a tremendous amount of pain, along with my knees, so I'm like it's okay. Anyways this chapter sort of goes everywhere. It's really confusing.. But life is confusing so it works, right? I'm shutting up And Thank You's: Taylor Wise, Hyperpiper91, Helen, Canard, Catie, Fanficwreader (STAT means like hurry the hell up before I get down and kick you in the ass to make you do it faster, but for actual translation, I don't remember... LOL), Rouge Fan, Jane, and everyone else who reviewed but I didn't mention. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!! HUGS AND KISSES!!!! Okay I'm shutting up. I"m in a good mood. No comment on why ;-) Please hit that review button at the end, and I will get a chapter up tomorrow!!!!!! Oh yeah, just a little tidbit, my favorite critique refered to this chapter as the one where Carter feels Abby up, so just randomly gear up for something a little lighthearted, amongst all the angstiness... I'm shutting up. Just read.. Or just skip all these author's notes completely. Random drivel...   
  
~*~  
  
She woke up in the room adjacent to her son's. She rolled her head from side to side, getting out all the knots. She grabbed her pager, and looked at the time. It was 3:47 in the morning. She had slept for almost seven hours, seven hours of much needed sleep. She patted her hair down and tightened the ponytail she had already up. She rolled out of bed, her muscles not wanting to help her move along. She walked to the glass door and slid it open, closing it securely behind her. The lights were off at the glow of the screens and machines was the only thing giving off any forms of light. He looked asleep, a little pale and sulken, but just plainly asleep. She hadn't been able to talk to him within the last several days. The chemo was slowly deteriorating him, getting stronger every day, which meant he got weaker every day. She sat in the chair Carter had left by the bed before he carried her to the other room. She was somewhat awake when started to take her in there, a silent protest, she was just too tired to do or saying anything. She grabbed her son's hand, lacing her long, delicate fingers inbetween his short, almost blue ones. They needed him on more oxygen. The blood wasn't getting to the tips of the fingers or the toes for sure. With her other hand she pushed the hair out of his face, a habit she had of doing. She always told herself she was going to go with him to get it cut, and somehow it always got pushed to the back of her to do list. His lips were chapped, and turning the same blue color as his fingers and toes. But his heartbeat was steady and pulse was stable. So maybe everything was wrong, yet okay at the same time. She pinched her eyes together, trying to get her focus back. She gave his hand a squeeze and lifted herself from the chair. She needed a cup of coffee, and also needed to find something to eat. She hadn't exactly been taking care of herself. There was no time. She leaned over, giving him a kiss on his forehead.   
  
"Hold on, just please hold on."   
  
She covered him with the blanket a bit more and walked backwards towards the door. She hated leaving him. She kept on the thinking it would be the last time she would ever see him alive again. The same thought that haunted her days before. And it always did. She walked out of the cubicle and closed the door behind her. She headed automatically to the ER, her one comfort zone. She walked slowly down the stairs, not being met by the usual hustle and bustle of a city's public ER. It must be a very slow night. She headed straight towards the desk. There Susan and Michelle were playing hangman on the board. Multifunctinal tool. She managed a small smile towards the woman and got compassionate yet friendly looks from both.   
  
"Have you seen Carter anywhere?"   
  
She saw both look at the board, and Susan didn't find anything there. She walked over to the desk and looked at the clipboard.   
  
"He's in exam three."   
  
She pushed her hands into her pockets, digging in deeper.   
  
"Is he with a patient?"  
  
She saw Susan nodd her head no in reply. She uttered a small thanks and headed to the room. She didn't know why she was going there, to be with him. It just felt like the right thing to do. Hopefully he was sleeping, so this sense of dependency or wanting could go away and leave her alone.   
  
She walked through the swing door, the light streaming in through the opening. She saw his eyes were closed and his breaths were gentle and relaxed. She started to back out of the doorway.   
  
"Abby..."   
  
She moved forward, realizing he was actually awake.  
  
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."  
  
She saw him struggle to get the lamp turned on over the bed.   
  
"I wasn't sleeping, just resting."   
  
She nodded her head, not sure exactly what to say. She saw him rub his eyes, adjusting them to the light. He started sitting up, crossing his legs on the gurney. She headed over to him, crawling over the metal bar that she didn't feel like releasing.   
  
"Where's Annette?"  
  
She had seen her daugther before she had come up to stay with John, and fell asleep.   
  
"Sleeping in curtain one. Susan said she'd keep on eye on her if I promised to get some sleep."   
  
She leaned over, settling her head onto his thigh.   
  
"You're a lier."   
  
A small, short smirk escaped from both of them. She felt him pulling the rubber band out of her hair, letting her locks run freely.   
  
"I liked you as a blonde better."   
  
She was tempted to raise her hand and hit him, but that would take energy and she didn't have any left.   
  
"Why? I remind you of some romance gone wrong?"   
  
She heard a small laugh escape from his throat.   
  
"Not exactly. This little fantasy I had."   
  
She was defintely interested now. She needed a break from everything.   
  
"Care to elaborate?"   
  
She saw him shake his head.   
  
"I'd rather not."   
  
She managed to move her body and give him a shove. A small smile formed on his lips. She felt him curling her hair around his fingers, gently twisting then unraveling. A comfortable silence held them for a while. Both looking in seperate places. She was staring at the wall, outlining the shapes the holes formed. She felt his gaze on her and she turned to look at him.   
  
"What?"   
  
She saw he was smiling.  
  
"You're beautiful."   
  
She turned around so she was lying on her back, her head still on his thigh, his smile still glued to his lips. His fingers ran down her face, tracing her delicate features. She felt chills run up and down her spine from his touch. His arm continued to travel down her neck, over her chest, gently grazing one breast. She was captivated by the control he still had over her. She had her hands on her stomach, and that's where his hand rested, holding her hand in his. She looked up at him.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
A surprized look fell onto his face.   
  
"For?"   
  
She felt so at ease for the first time in weeks. Like she could spill her soul and not leave anything behind.   
  
"For not waiting for you."   
  
She held his hand with both her hands, running over his knuckles with her fingers.   
  
"And I'm sorry for leaving you."   
  
The aura of the room collapsed, no hidden walls, no secrets, no lies.   
  
"We're gonna get through this, right?"   
  
She saw him close his eyes, and turn back towards her.   
  
"Together, we can get through anything."   
  
She felt him playing with her left ring finger. Twisting his fingers around it. She reflexively pulled her hand away, pretending to crack her knuckles, loosen her joints. He pulled away in a matter of second as well.   
  
"What time is the surgery?"  
  
She saw him look at his left wrist, watch attached.  
  
"Around nine. Dr. Branders is flying in."  
  
She sat up, pulling her hair back up into a bun.   
  
"Dr. Branders from Harvard?"  
  
She saw him nodd his head.  
  
"He owed me favor."   
  
She bit her bottom lip.   
  
"Must be some hell of a favor."  
  
She saw him begin to tense up.  
  
"You know Dr. Branders?"   
  
She nodded her head.   
  
"Yeah. I worked with him on a study in Boston."   
  
She looked at her pager, hoping a message was waiting for her or something similiar.   
  
"High class..."  
  
She knew him. She had actually published a paper with him, spending at least a few hours with him. But she only knew the professional, unsympathetic side of him. She never even thought about him actually being human.   
  
"Are you scrubbing in?"   
  
She waited for a reply. He was probably playing mental game with himself, whether to be the doctor or the father.   
  
"Yeah. For Annette's."   
  
She nodded her head as if she was approving of his decision.   
  
"And you?"   
  
She had debated with herself day in and day out whether she wanted to be there in the OR with them.   
  
"Yeah. I want to be with John."   
  
She saw the look of disapproval on his face.   
  
"Do you think that's a good idea?"   
  
Yes. To her it was. She wanted to be with her son, nothing was going to stop her. She nodded her head hesitantly, biting the inside of her cheek.   
  
"I don't want you in there."   
  
It took a while for him to spit it all out. Sort of forcing something hard on a delicate place. He had no right to tell her if she could scrub in on her own son's surgery.   
  
"You don't have control over me."   
  
At this point she was standing up, pacing the tile floor.   
  
"You won't be able to do anything. You know that."   
  
But she needed to be in there. For her own self assurance.   
  
"Please, Abby... Stay with me...."   
  
She debated taking the chance of scrubing in. But she knew she would only see mistakes every second, getting ready to scream and yell at every little wrong thing. She nodded her head. Her decision hadn't been exactly stable. She would have probably gotten kicked out anyway. Maybe now somehow she would be able to breathe during the 7 hour surgery. Although she pictured herself exactly like she was right now. Arms curled protectively around her body, pacing the floor back and forth. She stopped, starring at the door. She felt Carter's arms wrap around her again. A delicate kiss on her head.   
  
"Thank you."  
  
She closed her eyes.   
  
"Just promise me it will all work out in the end."   
  
She felt him pull her even more towards him.   
  
"I promise."  
  
She eased away from him.   
  
"Not only are you a lier. You're a bad one at that."   
  
She turned around, not exactly mad or frustrated. Just unsure. She pulled the door, and felt the air hit her back when it slammed shut. She headed up towards Oncology's Post Op. She wanted to be with her son for a few hours more before she pushed him out in the middle of the ocean and told him to swim. 


	25. Destroying Lives

Author's Notes: Nothing big today. Thanks for the reviews!!!! :-)   
  
She sat in the waiting room, a cup of cold coffee nestled in her hand, holding on to it, just so she would be able to hold on to something. She glaced at her watch. Carter had gone in with Annette about 2 hours ago. They should be finishing up. Unless something went wrong. No she couldn't think about it. She just couldn't. She heard the door swing open, and a loud sigh from across the room. She didn't look up, but instantly knew who it was.   
  
"Done?"  
  
She was starring out into space, out the window in front of her, imagining all the different things that they could be doing right now.   
  
"Mmmhmm."   
  
She didn't feel like looking up at him. She wanted to damn him to hell for making her stay out here and wait.   
  
"Have they started with John?"   
  
She was biting her top lip, and she tasted the unique flavor of blood.   
  
"They just rolled him into the OR."   
  
She leaned back against the cushioned chair. Her neck and shoulders ached, her head was pounding, her hands were shaking. She couldn't see straight and everything that probably could have gone wrong at that moment, did.   
  
"How long?"   
  
She ran her hand through her hair, pushing the loose strands back behind her ears.   
  
"Four to six hours."  
  
She scrunched her nose and eyes. She barely lasted Annette's two. She pulled her arms in front of her body, crossing them, leaning forward. She was a bit cold, but she could always ignore a small change in temperature.   
  
She saw Carter's shoes as he sat down in the seat next to her, waiting slightly, probably starring out the window like she was. She felt him grab her hand and bring it to his lips. She felt the gentlest kiss, and their hands fell down into Carter's lap. She looked up at him, he looked just as bad as she did. This was getting to them, both emotionally and physically.   
  
"Their going to be fine... You've got to believe that their going to be fine."   
  
She nodded her head. She had no hope left. She just hung on his every word. She felt herself being pulled into his arms, and the tears that had threatened to fall all day finally began. She shook from the constant sobs, the desperate gasps for air. His arms continued to run over her back, up and down. Some solace in the hell-driven world.   
  
She didn't know how long she stayed there, it felt like forever. She managed to lull herself into a dream-like state. Where the world and fantasy were two seperate paths and she hoovered intbetween them. The minutes ticked by endlessly, every second echoing longer and longer through the empty rooms, the empty hallways, the empty hearts.   
  
She heard the beep of Carter's pager, and watched it light up, attachted to his belt. She couldn't read the lettering, but she was able to read the look on his face. He gently pushed her away, but she didn't let go. She grabbed a hold of him and he brought her up with him.   
  
"What's wrong?"   
  
She looked at him for an answer.   
  
"Nothing. Don't worry."   
  
He was lying. She could read him like a book.   
  
"Carter."   
  
She couldn't get an answer from him, but he was jumpy enough to not resist getting out of the room. She followed him. He was practically running. She didn't recognize the turns he was taking, the way he was leading her. But all she knew he was leading her away from safe and secure to the unknown and afraid. She heard the beeping of the monitor. The constant screech that could only be linked with one thing. It was faint, almost unheard. She heard the pattles being charged. She heard the bounce of a body. She didn't know where to turn, what to do. She felt the world begin to spin, the floor fall from under her, yet she kept on going after him, reaching the observation deck. Seeing the terror in Carter's eyes. She couldn't look down. She didn't need to. She heard everything, knew everything, every ounce of fluid or medication that was being pushed into him. She knew it all by heart. She did it everyday. Every minute felt like an hour, unending, undeserved torture. And nothing could break the spell. How long would they keep going? How long was he without breath. How long until they uttered those nonchallant words. We did our best. She turned around walking out of the room. Dazed. Lost. Confused. She leaned against the wall, sinking down to a kneeling position. This was it. This was how it was going to end.   
  
She wiped the last tears from her eyes, looking at the nurse who had just called her name. She stood up abruptley, the nurse's persistent, piercing tone knocking her out of her stage. Something about Annette. She snapped back into the real world. She snapped back into reality. Something mumbled about infection. Something about low blood count. Something about bleeding out. A jumble of words. No meaning to her anymore. She couldn't comprehend, she couldn't think. All she could do was run after the nurse, heading towards the Post-Op portion of the ward. Yet as soon as she was through those doors, the same sounds echoed through the empty hallway. Nothing more. It pounded at her. So faint, yet resounding over and over in her mind. As if someone were next to her, amplifying it by a thousand. She rushed into the room with the nurse. She saw the paddles. She saw her daughter's open chest, bared, two strips for the metal shocks. She saw the monitor. The straight line echoing through the entire world. It was fifteen minutes already. They can't give up. They can't give up. She felt herself backing up against a wall. Staring at the the picture in front of her. It was a dream. It was all a nightmare. She was asleep, sleeping next to John's room. And when she woke up, she would go sit by her son's side, go talk to her daugther. And everything would be okay. The fates owed her one. Or they just choose to pick on her. They wanted to destroy her. She was already destroyed. 


	26. Painful Pasts

Author's Notes: Okay this chapter was written because of Helen, so if anyone deserves more kudos, it's her.. I was reading her reviews, and I just had this spark of brillance and just needed to write, and so this is what came out. I also owe Susan a huge number of thanks because she helped me pick some words out.. But I hoep you guys like this chapter. It's a chapter that sort of clarifies things, mixes emotions, and just another really heavy chapter, but hold on to that hope that everything will be okay. Thank you to everyone who reviewed also. I'm so tired right now, I just don't have enough energy to go back and write down everyone's names, but you know who you are, and I love you! Thank you so much!! Oh yeah, umm Kattybaby2318 is just wonderful and she's got a fic going also, Loving You Loosing Something, so I hope you guys would go read that. It's a bit fluffier than mine is right now, and it's just a great story. She's great. We have a fic going together. It's a Carby, and it's coming along pretty well, so check that out: Hate to Love and Back. I'm done with the announcements. No, wait. One more thing, if your a member of Coffee and Pie, go onto the site and for information and help, give them some support on doing the Secret Snowman Fic Exchange. It sounds like a great idea...Now I'm done. Thanks for reading and just thank you.   
  
She stood on the roof, her usual spot, shivering. It was freezing, and little gusts of snowflakes intertwined themselves in her hair. She needed to get away from the hospital. The rooms, the smells, the sounds, everything. She wanted to be somewhere else. She wanted to be ten million miles away, sitting on a beach near some deserted island, anywhere but here. Far away from the truth, the words that she would hear within the next few minutes. That both her children were dead. That they couldn't save John, that they didn't have enough time. He was too weak. That Annette had suffered an infection going under the knife. Not being able to bounce back. Wanting to do what was best, and yet destroying both. It was unfair. Life was so unfair, unkind, surreal. She just wanted it all to be over. Everything. All the pain, the heartbreak, the ache, the tears. To go to a different place, a different time, and never look back. She looked over the edge down onto the city below. A few cars passing, a few lonely souls heading on their ways. No one would know. No one would care. What reason did she have to stay alive? Everything was gone. Everything good in her life was gone, the emptiness and the sadness she had felt before, 10 years before, all coming back to her, engulfing her, controlling her. Why the hell did she come back? This was all her fault. Her kids might still be alive if she hadn't chosen to drag them back to Chicago. If she hadn't spent more time with them, they would be okay. If she hadn't wished that he would still be back here.   
  
It was all his fault.   
  
It was all her own fault.   
  
She needed to stop blaming him and blame herself. She was a lousy mother, a horrible person. Who the hell could ever love her? Want to be sheltered or protected by her? She was worthless, so weak, so breakable, so screwed up. She wasn't worth the time of anyone. She wasn't worth being alive. She kept on playing with herself. It would be so simple, so painless, so quick. So many things could be resolved, so many years of pain all erased in seconds. But she couldn't move. She couldn't move and stood there, only inches from the edge. Tears streaming down her cheeks, the cold biting at her sore eyes, almost stabbing them, inflicting more pain every second. Her arms squeezed around her even more, her small frame shaking more violently by the second. It was all going to be over soon. All of it. She closed her eyes, kneeling down onto the floor, burring her head into her hands, leading down to her lap. She just kept on crying, the world growing dark around her, the lights turning on, the sun setting down. The grey clouds more evident, the snow now coming down in strong gusts.   
  
For an instant she felt a wave of warmth run over her, a wave of comfort. But it was only her imagination. Only her mind preparing for what was going to happen, registering what was going on, wanting to get it over with. Wanting for it to be the one way out, screaming for rest. She was still alone. She was all alone, and that's how she wanted it. It suited her. The stillness of the evening, the rustling of the wind, the sound of death. Of defeat. She was defeated. And she let the tears come down. It kept on being a war, cry a little, strengthen a little. She had no strength. This was the end of the road, the end of eternity.   
  
She stayed there, until she felt nothing more of her body, her pain, her fear. Everything was numbed by the bitter wind and the frozen tears. She felt a hand gently placing itself on her shoulder, and she quickly scattered away, wanting to be with no one. Experience nothing. She heard his gentle sobs, both being broken through the sound of the resonating wind. She didn't dare look up. She couldn't face him, he was the face of death right now. He was the one who stayed and knew. He was the one who was bound to tell her. He was the one she was supposed to be scared of, to fear, to hate.   
  
She wanted to ignore him, maybe postpone the inevitable. If no one told her, maybe she wouldn't' have to believe it. Maybe she could go on living a lie. She didn't want to know. She already knew the answer.   
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
The words were gulped out, almost forced out. Lighter than air, heavier than stone. Meaning nothing, and meaning everything at the same time. Words that didn't symbolize much, yet were more precious than life. They were life. Life that was gone.   
  
She didn't know much. She didn't have to ask. She knew what had happened. How long had she been up there. For how long had they attempted to get them both back? Their fragile bodies both destroyed and ravaged from the torture they had probably endured.   
  
Life wasn't fair to ones who did nothing.   
  
She hadn't deserved this.   
  
She had deserved this.   
  
She deserved everything for who she was. She was unworthy, estranged, dullard person who didn't appreciate what she had. She had so much, and lost it all in one heartbeat. One single heartbeat. Lost everything.   
  
She let herself be picked up and carried off by him. She didn't care where the world took her anymore. It would never be the same. It would never get better. Only worse. Because every morning she would wake up thinking about them. Their laugh, their smiles, their little habits she had grown so used to. It was all over. Her liveliness, her spirit were gone. Blackness and void controlled her. She'd rather sacrifice herself for them. She'd rather they live and she die. They could have had a better life. They could have had everything she didn't, and more. They had a future. She only had the past. Full of pain. 


	27. Looking Back

Author's Notes: Actually they are on the bottom, so read the chapter then go to the author's notes... :-) And just a little random hint or fact: this story was written in third person limited point of view (meaning Abby's...) track back slowly to English or Lit class and just remember the guidelines for this POV...  
  
She placed the two light candles upon the fading granite. The graves stood upon a hill, under a tree, shaded from the sun in the summer, the rain in the spring, the snow in the winter, and the wind in the fall. They were alone in their standing, nothing around for miles, the silence of the area was relaxing, almost peaceful. The birds chirped a single note every few minutes, but that could even be overlooked. The ground had just begun to settle in, and the imprints of where the holes had been once dug were still fresh. The grass had begun to fade together, getting rid of the rectangular shapes that had been so evident only months before. She rearranged the flowers, setting a fresh bouquet on each side. The sun wasn't out, the sky overcast with grey clouds, threatning rain. It wasnt' so suprising, since every time she came down here, the weather was the same. She shifted around the graves, pushing away the weeds that had begun to invade. She only visited once a month. It was all she could bare. She needed to let go of her past, move on, but it was difficult. It was almost impossible. She took the rag she had brought and begun to wipe away the dirt that engulfed the lettering, the angels being covered by a mist of black. Everything had fallen apart at once. Sometimes she thought it might be for the best, other times all she wanted to do was give her life up for them. But there was nothing she could do now. It was all over.  
  
She saw a little hand come over to her, and place two identical roses on two identical graves. She picked up Millie and pushed her hood on her head. The weather was deteriorting, and the wind was fierce, even more so on this hill. The candles she lit had long since been blown out. She felt the mass of brown curls dig into her shoulder as she balanced her on her arms. She was getting bigger and bigger every day. She was going to be three in a month and a half. It had been almost three years since it all happened. Everything at once. Storming down. Crashing and burning. Destroying her.   
  
She heard another set of footsteps coming up behind her, his arm going over her shoulder, and with his other ruffling the tired figure she held. She gently passed her daughter to him, since he had better tolerance for holding her than she did.   
  
"It's getting late."   
  
She nodded her head, and closed her eyes. She took her palm and kissed it, then placing it down on the ground. Symbolic routine. She didn't know why.   
  
She turned around, joining him waiting for her. Their daughter was long since asleep. They headed down the steep hill, like they did every month. His arm went back around her shoulder, and she leaned into his chest, the wave of comfort rushing over her.   
  
They reached the car, waiting patietnly on the dirt road, two figures leaning against it.   
  
"Mom, dad, are we going yet?"   
  
She smiled a faint smile.   
  
"Yeah, John, we're heading home."   
  
She saw her son's relieved look. And he aimed grab the handle of the car. He was quickly slapped away.  
  
"Annette. What did I tell you about fighting with your brother??"   
  
She watched her daughter do the usual ritual of rolling her eyes, and open the door, letting John inside. She took Mille from Carter and placed her inside the child safety seat that both insisted on using, forever. They were a bit overprotective. No harm in that. She shut the door, looking at her husband.   
  
"Are you okay?"   
  
She closed her eyes and nodded her head, her smile breaking through again.   
  
"I didn't believe I could ever truely get rid of Erik and Maggie."   
  
He nodded his head.   
  
"You never will."   
  
She nodded her head, and walked towards him.   
  
"I love you."   
  
She embraced him, feeling a kiss on her forehead.   
  
"I love you, too."   
  
They stayed in the hug for a while.   
  
"I just wished that our four children would be able to get to know their grandparents, and their uncles and aunts, screwed up as they may be..."  
  
She felt him give her a push back.   
  
"Four?"  
  
She nodded her head, a true smile finally breaking through.   
  
"Four, you know that number after three?"  
  
They looked into each other's eyes. For everything that they had ever been through. For everything that had ever gone wrong, these were the moments that made everything better, that made up for all the lies, the hate, the pain, the tears. Everything. Because life was perfect for that one second. And nothing could bring them down. Nothing. Because in THE END they would be together, through thick and thin. Good and bad. Forever.   
  
Author's Notes: Third person limited is just the one person's view point.. You only know what that ONE person is thinking, and that is very misleading at times... Sorry I had to do it. I needed a twist. I'm a huge Carby. I needed a happy ending.. Angst was getting to me. You didn't think that I could actually kill off the poor kids!?!?! LOL I'm shutting up, but anyways I had a great run, this was the first update, chapter fic that I have ever done, and 26 chapters and millions of reviews later, I am a better writer, and I am also thankful for everyone who encouraged me. You guys were the greatest reviewers I have ever had the pleasure of pleasing!! I made alot of new friends, and had a great time. I'm hoping to start something new soon, and as always, give me your ideas!!! :-) But I need to do one final list of shoutouts: ERFANatic, Fuuruma, Faith, Catie, Cool Cat, CarbyLuv, Canard, Kattybaby2318, Taylor Wise, HyperPiper91, Helen, FanficwReader, CarbyLuvRR, Rouge Fan, Tina, CARTERJOHN, Silver Crystal Tear, Missa32189, Mberger88, Sarah, Abb, Carby 24/7, IDon'tWriteIJustRead, E, Nobody, Maven, Lily, Tammi, Jennie, Maggie, Carbytrekie, Lisa, Honeybear1, Mandi, JConeg, and AJ.. You guys were awesome. Thank you so much for the much needed support and just everything. I am ever grateful!!! THANK YOU I LOVE YOU!!! 


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